New Year's Eve REFLECTIONS

This is my last blog entry of 2017 and as the next 24 hours whiz past me as I write this new entry I realize I have a lot to reflect on.

I would first like to say that I do not agree that the New Year's Eve should serve as writing a list of your resolutions for the new year. You do not need a whole new year to do things differently and learn from your mistakes, that is what the gift of tomorrow should be thought as. Instead, I feel like the new year should be thought of as looking back at the past 12 months and rolling back your mental Rolodex to think of what you learned, went through and the progress you have made. After you tally all of that up the end result should be where you should go from here. Every time I think of "New Year Resolutions" I find it so ridiculous that it reminds me of the most cliche resolution most Americans choose which is making a promise to oneself by getting into shape by dieting and joining a gym. This goal has been something pending in their mind for quite some time but due to the holidays of never ending feasts it is a slap in the face to make them want to change their lifestyle. It is quite convenient that the new year follows right after and everyone loves to call this New Year's Eve the time of our "New Year's Resolutions." So why not put this dream of our wish of a healthy lifestyle to the subsequent holiday? I want to change this cliche and coin this phrase to instead saying, "New Year's Eve Reflections." For the first few weeks of January 1st you see a stampede of new gym goers scouring the treadmills, ellipticals and fitness classes. Then as quickly as the rush started, it is just as quick to trickle down to 0. What is the point of what I just said? My point is that this actual analogy that everyone uses is so ridiculous, just like how ridiculous I think it is that people need a whole new year to present itself in order to change your life. Resolutions should be an ongoing routine that is part of the building blocks of your life for self improvement. You should always be working on yourself and planning out what you need to improve on and goals that are beneficial for your well being. 
This past year has brought me many twists & turns and I wouldn't of been able to guess that I would've ended up where I am now. As one of my favorite sayings go, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." Looking back as a child I would never have been able to guess that this is where I would be at 33 years old. I am very happy that we don't have a crystal ball to look into our future. I wouldn't want to know even the happy and jovial events that are forthcoming. Do you ever look back in your life and wish the complaints you had back then are the ones you are facing now? That is one of the many obstacles I go through also. I wish I could take back everything I had to complain about back then in exchange for now. Sometimes I literally begin to laugh about how ridiculous it was that I was so bent out of shape over such obtuse things. I feel like slapping my younger self in the face! The most pivotal event that strikes me the loudest is when my mom after 20 years of being married, embarked on a 12 month long relationship with someone who looked like a hobbit. He wasn't just any hobbit, he came fully stocked with anger management problems, chain smoking, no job and living off of his never ending Disability checks. In hindsight it felt like it was a prank, almost like candid camera. It reminds me of that old reality show years ago, "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance." A young woman had to convince her family that she was engaged to an extremely homely, fat obnoxious man. If her family ended up believing her to the point of going through with her wedding, she would win a million dollars. My mom's new boy toy AKA Hobbit was a vigilante. He wanted to fight the war on crime and take the law into his own hands, even if that meant risking his life for women being harassed by drunks at a bar. He was more than ready to fight people with his bare hands. Standing at 5"7' and around 190 lbs. or more, he was more than confident (with no weapons of any kind). I was only 23 years old at the time and still living in the childhood home my father left us. Every day I would come home from my mind numbing data entry job and there he was with his bald head behind my mother's computer screen with the repetitive, daily greeting: "What's cookin' babe?" He had a bald head with a mullet on the back of his fat neck. His neck looked more like a tree stump; it was so stocky and fat like the rest of him. He would smoke constantly and even litter my yard with his cigarette butts. My mom would keep quiet and pick every one of them up one by one. He LOVED Wendy's.  He loved the Baconater and Frosty. He was in my house day in and day out. The most hysterical part is when my mom first met him. He just had surgery on his rotary cuff and the first time I met home was at Outback Steak House. There he was standing by the hostess stand. He looked like a troll in a huge cast. I was hysterical! I thought it was a joke and the person before me was screwing with me and pretending he was him. But no, it was in fact the new man to break my mom in after a long and stale marriage! I gained to realize that night over dinner that he hasn't had that drug/substance abuse counseling job my mom had told me he had. Oh no, he hasn't had that job working for the MTA in over a decade! He never did admit that he was actually in fact unemployed while living with his geriatric mother. He drove this old piece of junk station wagon that leaked oil even when the car was stationary. he would have bouts of road rage where just for shits & giggles he would zoom down the parkway blaring his horn! He would "brag" that he was a better father to me than my real father because he drove me to the Bronx a few weekends for a class I was taking. After enjoying sitting on my father's dilapidated Lazy Boy and using my mother's laptop, basically treating my childhood home as Pee Wee's Playhouse, he decided to bring back to life my brother's old dirt bike! He claimed he was a free lance substance abuse counselor. However, he had no computer, office and never seemed to go to work! I used to ask my mom when she would finally admit that he was collecting disability like the other lazy pigs that don't want to go back to work. The Americans tax paying dollars were going to sloths such as him. There he was in his cast from his shoulder down to his wrist riding my brother's child sized dirt bike all around the streets! Oh man, imagine if I took pictures of that and sent it to the Department of Labor?  After 11 months, I told my mother to finally dump him. I said to her: "It will be a year next month. Get rid of him already."  
The biggest joke is on me though. I thought I was on top of the world. Never would I have thought 10 years later after all this hard work and expectations I had I would be where I am now. The whole 11 months of the Hobbit being in my life ended up being the glue to my relationship I had with my father. This allowed my father's hysterical part of his sense of humor to shine. We would make jokes constantly on the phone with each other guessing who this "man" really was. Is he part of the Witness Protection Program? Is he a fugitive? Is he part of the Irish Republican Army? Every night before I went to class while I was studying education my father and I would be laughing over a barrel. My father's amusing jokes as to why her "boyfriend" led such a low profile was beyond witty. Even a decade later I still joke about it to my mom as if it happened yesterday. I now reflect on this as an outlet to laugh at and put me in a good mood. I sometimes find myself in convulsions while I walk outside in the street. People must think I am either drunk or the elevator does not reach the top floor! 
If only life were easier and my father was mostly comprised of these 11 months of such jovial memories I had with him. If only my dreams and wishes of being a teacher came to fruition to where I would be now. I never would have imagined that my enthusiasm and drive for studying education would end up being a nightmare. I hope to one day discover why I have this accelerated degree that I so arduously obtained while I am still young. Like I just mentioned, I know why other past event events had to occur in my life, this is one long calculated and methodical event that I hope that will one day click inside my head. Some people believe that one day you will look back and know why it had to happen.  

Back to my 2017 Reflection:

I have a lot of blessings, mostly blessings in disguises to feel grateful for as well as validating my belief that actions speak louder than words ever can. I will always firmly believe that where I am living, where I am working, and the people in my life is where I need to be and am meant to be (with). No matter how unhappy I could feel, no matter how much I wish to accomplish I will always hold on to the belief that there is a reason you are where you currently are in your life. Whether it be to teach you a lesson, prepare you for your future, or because it is not the divine timing for all your dream(s) to come to fruition yet. This way of thinking brings me much solace and faith that I too deserve to be happy and the best is yet to come. There is a reason why the word "faith" is in the dictionary.  As I have previously stated, I believe that everything happens for a reason. It is a "belief" of mine, meaning that just like the rest of us human beings we don't know for certain, but adhere to our perception of the world mostly shaped by our life experiences. Until God opens up Heaven's gates to float down to this Earth and give me all the answers, the all mighty creator of this universe to answer our question of why we are here and the purpose of life... I'll believe what I want. I already know why previous events had to take place in my life to be able to handle what I am facing now. I would never have been able to predict that certain people are no longer in my life anymore, even if it is the one that helped contribute to my existence on this planet. I had to do a mental inventory and finally face the music. Why have I been conversing with these people? Some for many years? I had to stop and think that they weren't adding any value or purpose to my life any longer. Some of them never did. They're not horrible people, I do wish them the best. They never did any harm to me. Especially since some of them went out on a limb for me and helped me in my time of need. This person was a blessing to me and I had met her under unexpected circumstances. I will forever be grateful for the help she gave me but just because a person is nice and was there for you doesn't mean they are meant to be in your life forever. 
Thanks to the invention of the Internet and social media, it is easy to give them the proverbial cold shoulder. You just take them off of your Facebook, Instagram, etc. After I grew up and matured I come to realize we don't see eye to eye on anything while viewing the world with different glasses. Another friend I've known since childhood I also had to reassess. I am not God but I do not agree with the life she chose. I am not judging her but the thought of what she has done with her life makes me foam at the mouth. It is one thing to make bad choices that affect yourself but to bring kids into the world when you are not fit to do so is another. I finally realized that this woman suffers from a lot of mental problems and it is not mine to fix; I have my own problems to work on and solve. I can't stomach having to hear or see her delusional social media anymore. It took me almost all my life of knowing her to figure it out, but hey, it's never too late to smell the coffee! After completing this task I now know to make connections to like minded people who are on the same page as me; that have the same goals as me; that add to my life and purpose along with a compatible personality.  The real kicker who fell off the grid is my father. I was finally able to detach from him and break away from his clutches. I would never have been able to predict that I would be facing a new set of challenges apart from him. I am also not surprised that after ceasing all communication from him for a little over a year now I wouldn't hear from him. One of the biggest lessons I had to learn this past year was to remain calm and learn not to explode at anyone. That is the reason why I haven't responded to my old friends that have messaged me wondering why I deleted them and ignored their messages. The biggest lesson was learning to ignore my father after finally claiming my independence. If you have followed my blog for quite some time, you probably know this story. The real person I would've loved to really rip a new a**hole from is is his tramp of a second wife. She is his accomplice and the final straw that helped break this camel's back. She is a God Fearing Church Lady now preaching about gratitude and humility while sponging off my father's money, pill popping, drinking while heckling him and acting like an innocent victim. She is probably one of my loyal silent followers of my blog and reading from a distance only a computer screen away. A computer screen her Sugar Daddy provided her, while she is smoking until her teeth rot and decay at the same time as drowning herself in a Vodka Cranberry drink. I caught her stalking my Facebook page; I am happy I have given her a new activity to embark on after she is done berating the man who is 26 yrs. her senior and older than her own mother: She could go view my blog and digest each word that has been on here for over a year. Her name is Ms. Stoli by the way. Ms. Stoli and Daddy Warbucks are my two biggest challenges that I have always had to face, but have to face in a new light since 2017. Is there really a point in tracking down Ms. Stoli and telling her what I had to bury deep down before 2017? Where would it get me, besides giving myself a headache and the inevitable clicking sound of the other end of the phone? Do I really need to hear her defending herself by lecturing me with her delusions of how she is a child of God and she is not a home wrecker or whore; she accepted my father's advances AFTER he left my mom with garbled speech almost as if she has marbles in her mouth? Now that I finally have the freedom to do so, I now know this is not a good idea. I shall remain silent and whenever these wastes of trash enter my mind I must dismiss it entirely. This is what I have learned the most in 2017. My biggest wish is that the both of them live long enough to torture each other till the end of time. They both should be each other's demise's. My father was and will always be my biggest challenge I always have to face. I didn't ask for any of this, I didn't choose him to be my father and the other 23 chromosomes of my DNA, just like no one asked for their parent's to be their parents. On the same token I am humiliated over my family background. It is overly embarrassing that my old, insane father started a whole new family with a tramp young enough to be his own daughter. But the kicker is that he actually had more children at 60 yrs. old. I have to remind myself that I should not be defined by my background and feel ashamed. It is not my fault that one of my parents are slime. Plenty of people come from a poor and unappealing upbringing but it is what they do with the gift of life that should define a person. You can't help where or what you come from. You should only be defined by what you do with your own actions and the life you choose to make for yourself. There are plenty of success stories where people who made it came from the dumps. This could actually be a blessing in disguise. The white collar trash I came from gives me more inertia and determination to make my life happy and to be proud of myself. Paulo Coelho summarizes it beautifully when he says, "...You don't choose life; it chooses you. There's no point in asking why life has reserved certain joys or griefs, you just accept them and carry on...We can't choose our lives, but we can decide what to do with the joys or griefs we're given."  this is a quote taken directly from his novel, Adultery. Kudos to Paulo Coelho. 
2017 helped provide me with the freedom I so desperately craved even if it came equipped with a whole other set of challenges. He has been weighing so heavily on my mind lately that I had a dream about him last night. It felt so real. All the acrimonious feelings and anguish I always went through while speaking to him rose to the surface in my dream. That is how realistic it felt. This validates my decision that it is best to keep the severed ties of a person who has made me feel tortured. It is a double edged sword really. I feel a part of me feels liberated that I no longer have to hear his abusive and negative words he loved to dispel on me; I no longer have to deal with his pendulum mood swings and manic episodes he goes through from being extremely angry and agitated to elated and euphoric. Most of all I no longer have to hear him trash talking my own mother with words that he should be using to describe his own whore of a second wife instead of my mom; because that is the person he is really describing, my mom are none of those things. The last I left off I texted him saying, "Ms. Stoli couldn't find a man her own age? No one fit her standards? Only someone old enough to be her father?" That is the type of language he always used on me so I dished it back. Could you guess his response?? Drum roll please!!!!! He texted back, "f@!k you!" When I asked her the same question via phone she responded in her drunk stupor & garbled speech, "I fell in love with your father!" Sometimes in life you have no choice but to stop speaking to a toxic person who just brings you nothing but turmoil and despair; even if he is your own father. This makes it easier to decide since I have not heard from him and probably will never hear from him again. I know deep down that is the best conclusion in order for me to live a peaceful and tranquil life. I could find further solace in the fact that I know he really doesn't care that I no longer bother with him like he screamed at me about; he has no human qualities which means I don't have to muster the will power to ignore any messages offering any truce or closure of any kind because they don't exist in his stoic world. 

I will always believe that only the strong survive, and God only gives you what you can handle. Like I said, I am not religious or belong to any organized religion; I am spiritual and I have my own beliefs. I like to believe that there is a creator of this universe and that is God. I will never believe that we are just here to collect space until we don't anymore. Every religion believes that they have all the answers to the enigma of this life; Buddhists, Jews, Muslims, Christians, etc.....Who really knows. They think they have all the answers because it has either been passed down to them from their family or they turned to religion to achieve salvation and feel better for their current state of being. They believe word for word in the bible that it is true and set in stone. I've even been mocked by an Orthodox Jew on Facebook that only "Jewish people" go to heaven, non-Jews go somewhere else. He made it sound like it was more of a cult he was describing than a religion. He said he has proof of the Talmud being 100% authentic and literally the voice of God because it has been passed down for centuries by all of his ancestors. In that case I must be a bad person then. I do love the color red and the heat! Does that mean I am damned for an eternity in the great abyss/black hole because I didn't flock to a labeled religion, sort of like music that falls into different types of genres? I respect any and all religions as long as you don't sell it to me like a car salesman AKA zealot.  I will always admire the Christian holidays; I find Christmas and Easter to be so beautiful. All of the lights, trees and decorations are so enchanting, especially here in New York. I  am also very fond of crosses and find cross necklaces to also be alluring.  

Seasons Greetings

Merry Christmas from Me, Myself & I 

May all your dreams come true & more in the upcoming year of 2018!!!

Christian Pastor (From a Spiritual Standpoint)

I just want to make one thing clear: I do not belong to any kind of organized religion. I am spiritual and have my own beliefs. I respect your religion just as long as you don't try to sell it to me like a used car salesman a.k.a. religious zealot. I was pretty astonished to find out that the inspiration behind this quote was originally created by a Pastor (according to Google, unless it is not true....let me know)! How cool!!!!!!! :0)  

So I was surfing the internet while google searching this quote listed above & if I am correct, the person behind creating this very true statement is the Pastor Charles Swindoll. Listed below is the exact information verbatim where this was derived from:

“The longer I love, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.” 
-Charles Swindoll

I have never realized until recently how true this is. As of recently, I have learned that every circumstance and situation I have faced has shown me that it is my reaction to things that predominately take precedence over the actual situation. Most times I have created a false perception in my head of something I thought was a "problem" where in actuality it is almost like a figment of my imagination, nothing in fact happened, it is just how I reacted to it and blew it out of proportion in my mind. Also I have discovered that if you remain calm and nice you could mollify the entire scenario completely.

NEW MOTTO TO LIVE BY

"Expect nothing & appreciate everything"

December...The Most Wonderful Time of Year!!!

Happy Holidays!!!! It's that time of year again where everyone asks you what you would like for the holiday.....Everyone running rampant throughout the shopping malls and ordering gifts online and don't forget to ask first "are we exchanging gifts?" Also wondering how much to spend on such and such a person, especially at work for Secret Santa. Am I the only one that looks at this differently than most people though? As a child you write a list for Santa what you would like for Christmas and the list is endless and you could think of each must have item on a whim...Whatever the fad was at the time as a child......games, clothes, video games, etc. But as the years pass you by and you become an adult you no longer want gifts that come with a price tag anymore. How about priceless things such as your desired physique, a new job or a soulmate? For the first time in my life although I've been an adult for a while now, there is nothing tangible that I want, nothing that involves inanimate objects.....Instead of Santa Claus I need to find the magic lamp and rub it so I could have the Genie appear and grant me my 3 intangible wishes....

For the first time, this winter season has compelled me to reflect on my relationships, how far I've come (what I need to work on) and more goal setting. So I need to thank Santa Claus for this brainstorm. This is the first winter for me where I underwent significant changes since the previous year and where I need to go from here......God bless to all and Happy Holidays! to whatever holiday you may celebrate.....

Love & Light,

Dara 

Independence is the Most Natural Drug

What is more fulfilling and self-satisfying then knowing you saved yourself in your own bind (s) and earned everything yourself? Checking how large in size your bank account is getting and spending your hard earned money knowing that you made it from your own hard work and not depending on anyone to have given that to you??  From your spacious residence to delicious food and shopping sprees? Speaking from a woman's perspective no matter how tough my life may get, knowing I have made all my income myself and spending it freely on what I want is the most satisfying & gratifying feeling in the world......Not depending on anyone especially a man by feeling like a kid begging mommy or daddy for a few bucks to buy some ice cream.....Feeling so independent & self assured in the sense knowing that you could pick up and leave when you want without worrying how you will be supported...No threats/ultimatums exist in this life because you could tell someone to go f*&k off and not look back!!! You call the shots on your own life and what you want to do without feeling like you've been grounded and proverbially emasculated..Any woman that doesn't agree with me or could relate at all to what I am saying..All I have to say is that I feel sorry for you and I hope you enjoy living in your bubble but I hate to be the one to tell you this but one day it will pop! It's inevitable sweetie.  And any man that is not seeking this major intrinsic quality in a woman nor finds it highly appealing is either a manboy or he is jealous and possessive and wants to control his wife by keeping her on a leash with his finances...

My 2 major long term outcomes: 

I'll say it over & over until I am blue in the face: Your classroom where you actually learn is out in the "real world". There's only so much teachers/professors could lecture you on until you actually go out into this real, cruel world and experience life for yourself. That's where you will learn everything you need to & much more than the profession you are trying to master. Read my previous blog entry, Mind Over Matter and you'll understand what lessons outside of school I am referring to through my eyes...Let's refer to them as "life lessons".  I can't take full credit to seeing life from this perspective. Whether you want to admit it or not you are also shaped by your upbringing. That old theory Nature vs. Nurture I think should not be one sided/either or, I believe it is Nature AND Nurture. The main reason why I think in this light is because of what/who shaped my ideals/beliefs from my own perspective which is my mother. Through my mindset I was born with and what I witnessed from my upbringing, my mother takes full credit for.  In retrospect, I subconsciously learned through her mistakes. She was raised in a small household where her parents were apathetic. People like this make me question why they bother to have any children if they are not interested in partaking in their whole life...Anyway to get back to my point, her father did not value education to any degree and he himself with very little education (if any) went off into a blue collar trade as a pawnbroker.  My mom comes from the baby boomer generation and back then when she went to high school they had more than one high school diploma to choose from. She chose the commercial diploma which entailed being trained on becoming a secretary.  Her father instilled in her what he had learned which was to go right off to work after she graduates from high school, she is not "college material". So in high school After graduating with her commercial high school diploma and mastering the art of learning how to use the typewriter (before the dawn of computers) she worked assiduously within various industries/companies as a secretary, and she flourished. Any type of industry in New York... you name it she has worked there. From engineering, accounting, publishing and the list goes on....During this time she had the dream of marrying the man of her dreams, settling down with the white picket fence and raising children...The American Dream...She aspired to be a housewife/homemaker while her husband went out to bring home the bacon a.k.a. breadwinner, sole provider. My mother also dated very successful white collar men from engineers to C.P.A.'s and architects.. I don't mean this in a superficial way on my mother's part. Believe me, I know being a mother is a thankless job!!! My mom's strong desire was to fall in love & be an amazing mother/wife and pour her heart & soul to this role as if this was an actual profession...And she did/does a great job!!! She put the way her parent's raised her to shame. Her parents were so apathetic and from my memories of them you would only hear from them if they needed a favor from my mom. My mom is the complete antithesis of them and could be a little too overprotective but hey, like I always say there are no happy mediums in life, at least she shows she cares! She never imagined that it wouldn't work out and she might end up being divorced while not having a job or her own income to speak of. My mom fears change and avoids it like the plague and although my mom saw the writing on the wall from the start that she married a monster, she still didn't put the metal to the pedal to become self-sufficient in any way....She has a very uncanny and inhuman way of getting comfortable in very toxic situations such as this marriage and never dreamt that her marriage would ever end....She was right for the most part. My father never would've left if he didn't find anyone as slimy like himself to run off with until 20 years later he finally did. My poor excuse of a father finally found his sleazy ticket out by running off with a floozy/prostitute 26 years his junior. My mother shouldn't be made to feel punished just because she has poor taste in men. 

The moral of my story is that I learned through her mistakes/life experience (s) to not depend on a man even if he is a decent human being and great model husband and father to his children. This was all buried deep down in my subconscious because I do not remember this being the main incentive as to why I chose to excel in a career. It feels like I have discovered this being the leading force through hypnosis, but instead of being hypnotized it was through my own personal experiences & upbringing....proverbial hypnosis!!!  I myself fell into this slump of being dependent with many years of school and degrees under my belt until I finally woke up...I honestly couldn't take being in a toxic environment anymore and knew that it was inevitable that it would finally come to an end. I needed to be thrown in a smaller snippet of what my mom went through to personally know what it felt like. The only difference was I strived hard to attain 2 degrees and somehow fell asleep along the way! I always admire about my mother that she is able to adjust herself in a very toxic situation/environment. That could be good or bad. I envy that about her because I am the opposite of her and I am my own worst enemy. If I do not like something, I will put myself through living hell and torture myself. At least my mom is kinder to herself and doesn't make her life harder than it has to be. But like I always say, any extreme isn't good...I dedicate this entry to my mother....Thank you mom....

  

Inspiring & feminine Proverb

-Proverb

Perfectly Imperfect??

There are some words in the English dictionary that I just do not think are realistic, yet they are used all the time. In addition to "luck" where I went into great detail in Lady Luck & Lady Luck Part II, the next word is "perfect".  That old cliche "there is no such thing as perfect" has always resonated with me. I do not think anything in life could ever be perfect. I find this word is more like a pipe dream...Sure you could get pretty close to what you deem might be "perfect" but I always say there are pros and cons a.k.a. pluses and minuses to everything in life....The difference between feeling this state of "perfection" and being extremely unsatisfied is that the pluses/pros far outweigh the minuses/cons...My perfect partner, perfect job, perfect health, perfect house.....I don't know about you but as much as I might be elated and over the moon for my ideal apartment and job, I would never say it is "perfect."  Anyone searching for perfection will always remain unhappy because there is no such thing as "perfect."  The best you could do is is find the best situation to be in with mostly appealing aspects/attributes & go from there. Everything takes work. There's always something to work. It's called LIFE! I catch myself sometimes using this word too, but I use it loosely and more of a figure of speech then something I am staking out to achieve. 

I will mention something that I love... My affinity for New York City...I love NYC!!!!! But I do not find it is perfect...As much as I love how large it is and all of the infinite places to explore from all different facets of life and how diverse the population is, there are some things I am not happy with...Overcrowded/delays on subways, the dead of winter...I love it here but I would never say New York is "perfect". The same way I would describe where I live now...I am head over heels in love with my apartment but there are some gripes I have about it as well...I love how spacious my bedroom is and how it came decorated with these purple floral curtains, how it feels like I live in a timeshare in the Hamptons, I love the area I live in, I love how strategically and convenient it is to commute to the city, my landlord goes above & beyond BUT.... I share this apartment with roommates that treat this place like a monastery...Almost as if they took a vow of silence like that scene in The Hangover. When I signed this lease with my landlord he said no noise after 11 pm but I had no idea that his definition of what "noise" is would be different from my definition. I thought what constituted noise is loud and blaring music/television, parties and the like...Apparently noise here means lightly making/cooking food in the kitchen, speaking on your cellphone at a normal volume and even making loud footsteps!!! I have never been told in my life that I make too much noise walking until I moved in here. After moving in, unbeknownst to me at the time I discovered that this house is so old that every footstep and breath you take the whole house reverberates! Because this house is so old the hardwood floors creak and make some noise. The walls are so paper thin that I could hear everything not only inside my apartment but the other two floors as well...I even had a roommate post a piece of paper on the wall to not shut my bedroom door too loud! 

I'll give you an example everyone could relate to: the Internet. Due to the ubiquity of the dawn of cyber space, it has opened so many new doors unimaginable. To think everyone years ago thought the creation of the calculator was hard to believe. The Internet has made everything so much easier in every aspect of human existence and much more accessible and easy to access. Everything is now a mouse click and keystroke away from conducting business via e-mail, messaging/face to face conversations from oceans between people such as Skype, soliciting sex, applying for jobs online and even in the dating world. You no longer have to leave your house to pursue potential mates or go out physically and hunt for jobs. You could send and receive everything electronically. Social media is not only a powerful tool to connect with people old and new but people also use it as a professional platform as well. Between blogs such as mine, people building their own websites and sites such as YouTube to get your name out there and express your talent for literally all the world to see with a mouse click away almost sounds made up. With all the marvels and beauty of the convenience comes with a price to pay of course....Not only is the creation of the Internet ubiquitous & accessible, but due to the anonymity of it there comes attached many cons a.k.a. downfalls...harder to track down computer hackers, pedophiles/sex traffickers and even more heinous crimes... The Internet also makes it tempting now to cheat on your spouse while being incognito & discreet since this is all done virtually. The big one I feel stands out is cyber bullying.  Like I said, the reason why I have added the Internet is to strengthen and validate the fact that there is no such thing as perfect!!! No matter how many advantages there may be in every facet of life there also comes at least a few disadvantages...

Do you understand what I am driving at? Nothing will ever be PERFECT!!! You might be so euphoric and highly satisfied but never to the point of bliss where there are virtually no cons/minuses. I feel like "perfect" is somewhat of a myth. Like I said, the closest to this artificial feeling of perfection is finding many more pros/pluses that supersede the cons/minuses...I wish we could throw this word out of the dictionary but then what would we replace it with?!?!   

Makeup is the mask that I like to Wear

"Give a woman the right makeup and she can conquer the world 🌏"
-Charlotte Tilbury 

You get what you work for, not what you wish for

Continuing on to my topic that I have been harping the most on: IF EVERYTHING REALLY DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON THEN WHY...? 

The non-answer answer for you is NO ONE KNOWS! Why do I still hang on to this belief that it does? I have no idea! We don't have the answers to everything and this is one of them. Everyone that walks this green earth think they have the answers to everything while the truth is no one knows what they are talking about... I feel like I have been faced with certain situations where later on it clicked as to why I have felt like I have been through this before like I just intricately stated in my last entry, "Mind over Matter." But in the grand scheme of things directly and non-directly speaking, who knows. If I wholeheartedly believe that there are no accidents of any kind in life then not believing that things happen for a reason would contradict each other and end up being an oxymoron in my opinion. Hence the word, belief!!! I would love to hear your thoughts about your perspective/ideas of this subject... Feel free to drop me a line or just show me some love!!! 💋😘

MiND OvER MaTTeR

"Stay strong, make them wonder how you're still smiling"

Everyone says "live in the moment", don't dwell in the past and look so far into your future. Take things day by day. I know this is true but how easy is it to actually do this? How many people do you think actually follow this philosophy? And for the people who do live this healthy kind of life, what I would like to know is, did it come to them naturally? Or did they have to practice this until it became second nature like learning how to drive? I invented the concept of over thinking, dwelling on the past to the 100th degree and being so concerned about my future. I've worried about things that never even happened and probably won't ever happen! I am now day by day working on combating this issue, it is a self project so to speak.  

I find this is tough to do when you are struggling like I am and used to living this way. I have had some bad experiences that have mirrored each other to the point of it being uncanny. This is no accident. I do not believe in accidents. I really do believe that you are put in situations so you could handle what is to come and to appreciate once you reach bliss and achieve your goals & dreams. All through life growing up in school and writing research papers, I have always concluded it by saying, "history repeats itself". It is unbelievable that I have been faced with such parallel situations. I traded one personal hell for another. I have been taunted, treated like a worthless human being, I have been directly and indirectly depraved and even had people try branding my name, reputation and who I am as a human being. I have been verbally assaulted, nearly physically assaulted and the machine like stoic monsters who are my superiors not only looked the other way but made me seem like I was crazy when I expressed to them how scared I was. I have been outed like a child being called to the Principal's office, having to walk on eggshells all the while feeling so many pairs of eyes watching my every move along with a million surveillance cameras in every nook and cranny of the institution. Some of my co-workers made me feel uncomfortable by making comments to me about my skirt and others implied I got paid more than them (although they didn't know by how much). Some of them turned on me like a dime for a reason I can't even explain because I tried to be nice and friendly. I could cut the hatred and animosity with a knife. But I will never let them win, because I am a strong and determined woman. I am surmising all of these differing episodes coming from different places and times to emphasize the similarities of different parts of my life. No matter how many times I fall I will always pick myself up and remain unscathed. Nor will I ever quit. Quitting is not even an option! What would the alternative be if I did? Homeless? Jobless?  Become an alcoholic??? I only drink socially/when I am happy, Drugs???I don't think so, I have never even tried marijuana. I have too much dignity, drive and determination in addition to all of the work I have accomplished so far. If they could make it and be happy then so could I! Now I know why I once had aspirations of being an attorney, I just had no idea I had to save my own skin. I knew other people who thrown under the bus and they kept their mouths shut and dealt with it anyway. I do not know why, I stood more to lose than they did. It is a cruel world and only the strong survive. I know people who are reading this are probably thinking, "why didn't you press charges and file a lawsuit?...How come Dara isn't leaving/moving out if she is so stressed out and unhappy here?" Well it is very simple, BECAUSE I NEEDED THIS JOB TO SURVIVE and in another instance I had no place to go till I found a new place to live! I wish I could've quickly ran out of that ransacked house living with those monsters I found on Craig's List but unlike most people I had no friend I could stay with indefinitely and I came from a broken home with no family life. I am not lucky like others where they could just quit on a whim like dropping out of a sorority. I couldn't quit until I got another job first! I had to hang in there, swallow s&*t and smile while thinking positively that I will be saved and get another job where they treat you like human beings and do not engage in illegal activity. I don't mean to sound ignorant but I had no idea that there could be so much corruption and people get away with it. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I know plenty of people who haven't seen the depth of destruction I have encountered. The victims of it all do not even blow the whistle and I have no idea why. I will explain at a later date the specifics of different scenarios all across the board I have been directly and indirectly involved with. All of my co-workers who were equally as miserable and complaining (also my backstabbers) had the luxury of quitting on the drop of a hat. That old philosophy, "You can't quit a job till you find another job" apparently only applied to me! One of my co-teachers had given the management advanced notice that she was leaving at the end of the summer. Well she didn't have another job lined up yet like the others, she even said, "If I don't find a job, I guess I'll be unemployed!" She said that so nonchalantly as if she won't have air conditioning in the heat. Wow! What a luxury to risk being unemployed while having bills to pay such as rent and food.  What a luxury it is to quit a job from hell even when you are faced with no money coming in! In the past I would've been jealous and envious of people like herself who have it on easy street, she obviously has her parents footing her bill, she didn't strike me as the type who had any other income that would help last her being jobless for that long. But now I am not jealous, I do not want to be treated with kid gloves because one day reality will smack you across the face. I also feel like a baby relying on my parent (s) for money to fall back on like a spring board. I've done that and I felt worthless and needy. Grow up already! Face the real world, you are an adult! So no, I am not jealous, I would rather be independent and look back knowing that I did it ALL ON MY OWN!!!

I know these hurdles and obstacles is what has made me stronger and now I could feel happy being in a much better place, finding a much better environment to work in and feeling and being treated like a human being. I always smile and will not let them get to me. Never would I have imagined that I was faced with these inconceivable incidents and equally underneath the management of people who are more like evil and stoic robotic machines. Have you ever entered an environment where you felt a force of negativity and bad vibes? Almost as if it is a vortex or a black hole that is sucking you in and making you feel like you are suffocating? If I haven't already experienced being treated like I was a worthless human being and being faced with instances where my heart was racing so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack then I probably would have this time. I wish it was that simple to just walk away, but when this horrific black hole where you spend 40 HOURS A WEEK with what feels like an eternity just so happens to be your job where you need money to support yourself and survive, you have no choice but to bite the bullet and take a couple of deep breaths. When I was confronted with these gut wrenching instances all over again a total wave of deja vu hit me. I said to myself, "Wow! All of this has happened to me before!" I was even more shocked that it was such similar course of events because this was a much more elite type of environment compared to where I was before. This job couldn't get any worse and be any further from the truth. It was creepy with bone chilling supervisors and seething and creepy coworkers. I wouldn't even walk on the same side of the street as them much less spend 40 hours a week with!!! The job itself was run more like a zoo but to combine it with creepy people who make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up where you feel like they are plotting against you.....All of your co-workers secretly causing trouble for you and combine that with an incompetent, sadistic executive team helping it come to fruition is a powder keg exploding....I felt like I was in an insane asylum. You would think we were in the business of saving people's lives like a ER doctor or in charge of handling large sums of money like at an investment bank! It's even more absurd to think that it was the complete opposite of any of that: a meager paying job with a long work week combined with little to no education necessary. That would probably explain why most of these people were low class and made me feel like I worked in the south Bronx. It reminded me of when I was a child in school and wished I could fit in when it was time for lunch in the cafeteria except in this "cafeteria" all the cliques here I wanted to RUN AWAY FROM!!!! I had to remind myself that I was not there to make friends, I was there to collect a pay check and help give me the experience to help build my career. I took solace in knowing there was no greater punishment than walking in their shoes every day while waking up every morning and having to look in the mirror and see that horrid sight staring back at them! 

I was in such distress & emotional upheaval that I would have dreams that I was there at work. I would wake up at night in my bedroom thinking I was there, it took me a while to realize I was in my room. I have had dreams where all the events were reenacted and felt so real. Let me rephrase it, in general this earth shattering facade of this company IS the elite, the upper crust. Where I came from before where I encountered similar episodes was the total antithesis: the inner city, poor and run down kind of environment. I am very proud of myself that I was able to handle it and be tough, I am grateful for the horrific experiences I have encountered because it has made me even more tougher to face the realities of life. You could never meet a person who is tough who had an easy past. I compare it to when I put on a lot of weight: Most of my life I was naturally thin and did not have to think twice about what I ate and ever dieting to lose weight... but one day when I got older I put on a ton of weight! 64 pounds to be exact! I never appreciated or even felt good about myself that I had a very nice physique until I got fat. Finally though, after much strife and struggle, about four years later of going up and down on the scale I finally went down to my healthy weight again. I look at myself and my physical appearance with a pair of whole new eyes and am grateful that I was able to lose the excess weight. I never though I would, I though I was destined to be fat the rest of my life, no matter how much dieting I did and several pounds I lost, I had always put it back on and then some. Well, I am using this analogy to compare it to my professional experience (s). I now appreciate and feel grateful for my new job and how satisfying it is, and working with a team of people who respect you and support you. Even that is an understatement.

I do not know if most people would feel as appreciated for having a job where you are treated like a human being and comfortable if it wasn't for harrowing experiences like what I went through. The light at the end of the tunnel was knowing that it didn't get any worse than that, any new step I took had to be better. Once you hit rock bottom there is no choice but to go up.

I know most people are somehow able to fake a bad situation and make the most of it. I am one of the select few that where I am my own worst enemy. I am very good at making my life a living hell when faced with an unpleasant experience.  These recent episodes prepared me to learn how to be quiet and not lash out so I do not lose my job. It was tough to endure. It was very tough to grin and bear it and not lose my mind and go ballistic. I had to learn how to master how to be calm and practice deep breathing. It was very tough for me because I have a type A personality and snap in an instant when I feel I am being wronged. But this has taught me that I had no choice but to keep my mouth shut, my life depended on it.

Like I said previously, I have learned more outside of the classroom than I ever did when I was in school for 7 years. Nothing prepares you for life until you get out and experience the real world. I have learned a lot about myself in this process. I know that I was mostly jumping to conclusions when confronted with some instances, I allowed my mind to play tricks on me. That was tougher for me to combat than to remain calm. It was almost as if I was actually being tested on how much tedious, grueling, mind numbing tasks and circumstances I could handle till I lose my cool and get fired. I could compare it to being subjected to choosing whether to be pricked with needles, having my head dunked in a tub of water or walking through a ring of fire. "How much could you hack it Dara, till you explode and we have blatant grounds to fire you????" This is how bad I make my uncomfortable circumstances even worse for myself to deal with. I would trick myself into getting through it by making jokes in my head about the people and everything around me. It's not that I wasn't grateful for being employed, it was to help me cope with the grim reality of feeling like I was stuck and in prison. Certain serious situations you have to shrug off and laugh at, otherwise you will feel even worse. Why do you think a lot of people turn to comedy? Most people who are struggling with themselves cope with it by making jokes about serious topics and themselves to help themselves feel better. I could totally relate to that because expressing my feelings here in this somewhat comedic fashion takes the edge off. The point I am trying to make is about how I had to learn how to remain calm and express to you how I strongly believe that you are put in situations to prepare you and make you stronger for what is to come. The fact that I have been put in a time warp is no coincidence....because I do not believe in coincidences a.k.a. accidents. I am trying to emphasize more on the fact that all of this didn't come together from mere "happenstance" more so than how great the odds are of these recurrences feeling like I was in The Twilight Zone! That is the point I am trying to make!

I should've been the one to create this quote listed above because I exemplify that. It is a fact that mostly what you are confronted with is how you think and deal with it. I am not good at faking it (mildly speaking) and wish I was more like my mother because she could fake anything for the most part and not be so hard on herself like I am with myself. 

Every day I ponder what I am supposed to do with my life, what I am meant to do.  And I do want to do something and make something of myself! I would feel worthless if I was given the chance to do nothing and be supported, hence why I attained these two degrees. 

As Oprah Winfrey said, "You are not meant to just take up space". You could find it on my blog entry, Lady Luck Part II. I struggle with why I thought I wanted to be a teacher and got this extra degree in a specified field that has made me feel nothing but grief and misery. My Bachelor's would've more than sufficed... I should get the numbers "227" tattooed on my right cheek because that is the amount I am currently paying back my school loan monthly for the rest of my life!....(I'll join the other millennials!!!) It was nearly 8 years ago when I got my master's in education and I still remember how I felt when I entered the program. I really wanted to do it, and when I was faced with the challenges back then like I was now, I was even more determined to help make a difference in the world. I still do but not in THIS FIELD. Those same obstacles that propelled me to become a teacher are now the same obstacles that repel me from this profession! Go figure. Whenever someone asks me what I did for a living it sounded like I was describing someone else. And make no mistake, this wasn't accomplished on a whim, this wasn't just one little certificate where you pay a small fee and pass one small test like practicing real estate! Oh no, this took me three years, with small hiccups along the way while not only having to pass an exam to graduate towards the end but to pass three other state exams to be a teacher! I worked blood, sweat and years. It was a very calculated and methodical decision and process to complete. I have no one to blame but myself as to why I went down this road. I like to think everything happens for a reason and I wonder all of the time what the reason is for selling my soul to become a teacher!

 I still love education and children, I  am just miserable with the actual practice of teaching and being in the classroom along with all the other office politics and corruption that education entails. I feel like teaching is an acquired taste like enjoying eating raw fish. This is a LOVE/HATE profession that you HAVE to love! You can't go into it feeling indifferent or just feeling you're sailing by. It is not worth the low salary to compensate for the stress and aggravation that never ends... I have to remain positive though. Life is too short not to. That is the beauty of not being narrow minded: My degree (s) are versatile and could fit elsewhere, even somewhere else within education because I will always value it. The qualities I possess where I felt the connection to teaching is the same connection I feel for writing: I want to help other people who are struggling feel better and know they are not alone through my own experiences. I would love to touch other lives through my writing while expressing my empathy for people who felt like me. Those were the main incentives I had originally for helping children who struggle in school. I just have to take baby steps, just  take one step at a time. I deserve to be happy too just like the next girl, I certainly worked hard enough for it! There tons of paramount examples that experienced what I went through such as Megyn Kelly: She was a corporate defense attorney for 10 years and hated it!!! She also had to endure an additional several years of hard work by going to law school. She finally made a change and is now a political commentator, journalist and she even wrote a book called, "Settle for More."
In the wise words of Martin Luther King, Jr.

#YOLO. And I wholeheartedly believe it. I have to keep my mind focused and realize you only live once and you don't know what tomorrow may bring. I had a friend several years ago that just finished college and she was so upset that she couldn't find a job. She was nearly hysterical while telling me her father was pressuring her to find work......Tragically she died in a freak accident not to long after. I know this is a morose and disturbing example, but my point is is that it is important not to fret and worry because life is too short and you don't know what could happen (good or bad) so there is no need to worry because whatever is meant to happen will be taken care of for you. 

I just have to take a leap of faith and know that everything will work out in my favor.

As crazy as it may sound I will still always believe that you are currently where you are meant to be. I will always believe that no matter what I am facing in good times or bad. It is either to prepare you for what is to come, to help you feel appreciated once you reach your desired destination, for the people you meet along the way serve as a blessing or another lesson itself, etc.....No matter how much I may struggle or thrive I will always believe in that philosophy. 

I used to grapple and make myself sick in thinking that I wished I went down a different road, whether that being not seeking another degree, thinking if only I handled it differently I could've been with that person, I could've had another job years ago that would've been more fulfilling if I never went to graduate school, if only it didn't take me this long to wake up from my proverbial coma and realize I need to break free on my own, etc.....Now I don't. I have emphasized all of this in the inception of this blog. I realized doors shut in my face for a reason and if it didn't work out it was not meant for me. Something bigger is and whatever is meant for me will never pass me by. 

Who knows what would've been waiting for me on the other side of the door (s) I wished open actually did.....Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. Sometimes those wishes that did not come true could mean that it was really a blessing.....After all, they were already closed for a reason....you really had no idea what waited for you behind it...

I like to relate real life topics to some films that hit home with me....Have you ever seen the old movie Mr. Destiny with Jim Belushi? Now after watching it you may think it is a corny kind of film and somewhat dumb in the literal sense but it is the moral of the story that always had resonated with me. What would've happened if Jim Belushi would've hit the home run? That was Jim Belushi's biggest regret in life. He wished he would've won the baseball game when he was a child because then he would've ended up marrying the rich man's very pretty daughter and being in charge of her father's thriving business. However, he never scored the home run and lost the game instead...This played the catalyst in his present life as an adult...He felt like he settled for a meager and mundane lifestyle by marrying a cute girl and working UNDERNEATH that thriving empire that he desired to be in charge of by marrying the pretty and rich girl...It never mattered nor did he appreciate that he had a best friend from childhood that stood by him every step of the way that he even worked with in the business, or that the girl he ended up marrying was amazing and an ideal mate that loved him dearly until his wish came true... One fateful night he "magically" got his wish by meeting a proverbial genie masked as a bartender one late evening when his car broke down....He was drowning himself in his beer glass telling this "bartender" if only he scored the home run he would've had such a splendid life that included being very wealthy by marrying the pretty girl whose father happened to run the multi million dollar business...It was his birthday that night and the "bartender" told him to drink this special beverage just for him and voila! Unbeknownst to Jim Belushi his wish was granted and he became the boss's son. Subsequently, this life that he so desperately craved gave him nothing but grief and misery and he longed to go back to his previous life when he missed the home run..He then realized that his ordinary life was not meager and mundane at all....He longed for his wife and the wonderful friendship with his best friend...

 

   

                   "...The world is mine"🌏 -David Guetta

My simple life goals: 

My philosophy of life simplified: 

What is meant for you could never pass you by. Take comfort in knowing that what is meant for you will find you someway, somehow and somewhere. You don't have to force anything that is meant for you. Just relax & let things flow!!!

A private life is a happy life!!!!

The only thing a girl should have to chase is a shot!!!