Saturday, October 28, 2017

Makeup is the mask that I like to Wear

"Give a woman the right makeup and she can conquer the world 🌏"
-Charlotte Tilbury 




You get what you work for, not what you wish for





Continuing on to my topic that I have been harping the most on: IF EVERYTHING REALLY DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON THEN WHY...? 
The non-answer answer for you is NO ONE KNOWS! Why do I still hang on to this belief that it does? I have no idea! We don't have the answers to everything and this is one of them. Everyone that walks this green earth think they have the answers to everything while the truth is no one knows what they are talking about... I feel like I have been faced with certain situations where later on it clicked as to why I have felt like I have been through this before like I just intricately stated in my last entry, "Mind over Matter." But in the grand scheme of things directly and non-directly speaking, who knows. If I wholeheartedly believe that there are no accidents of any kind in life then not believing that things happen for a reason would contradict each other and end up being an oxymoron in my opinion. Hence the word, belief!!! I would love to hear your thoughts about your perspective/ideas of this subject... Feel free to drop me a line or just show me some love!!! 💋😘


Monday, October 23, 2017

MiND OvER MaTTeR

"Stay strong, make them wonder how you're still smiling"

Everyone says "live in the moment", don't dwell in the past and look so far into your future. Take things day by day. I know this is true but how easy is it to actually do this? How many people do you think actually follow this philosophy? And for the people who do live this healthy kind of life, what I would like to know is, did it come to them naturally? Or did they have to practice this until it became second nature like learning how to drive? I invented the concept of over thinking, dwelling on the past to the 100th degree and being so concerned about my future. I've worried about things that never even happened and probably won't ever happen! I am now day by day working on combating this issue, it is a self project so to speak.  
I find this is tough to do when you are struggling like I am and used to living this way. I have had some bad experiences that have mirrored each other to the point of it being uncanny. This is no accident. I do not believe in accidents. I really do believe that you are put in situations so you could handle what is to come and to appreciate once you reach bliss and achieve your goals & dreams. All through life growing up in school and writing research papers, I have always concluded it by saying, "history repeats itself". It is unbelievable that I have been faced with such parallel situations. I traded one personal hell for another. I have been taunted, treated like a worthless human being, I have been directly and indirectly depraved and even had people try branding my name, reputation and who I am as a human being. I have been verbally assaulted, nearly physically assaulted and the machine like stoic monsters who are my superiors not only looked the other way but made me seem like I was crazy when I expressed to them how scared I was. I have been outed like a child being called to the Principal's office, having to walk on eggshells all the while feeling so many pairs of eyes watching my every move along with a million surveillance cameras in every nook and cranny of the institution. Some of my co-workers made me feel uncomfortable by making comments to me about my skirt and others implied I got paid more than them (although they didn't know by how much). Some of them turned on me like a dime for a reason I can't even explain because I tried to be nice and friendly. I could cut the hatred and animosity with a knife. But I will never let them win, because I am a strong and determined woman. I am surmising all of these differing episodes coming from different places and times to emphasize the similarities of different parts of my life. No matter how many times I fall I will always pick myself up and remain unscathed. Nor will I ever quit. Quitting is not even an option! What would the alternative be if I did? Homeless? Jobless?  Become an alcoholic??? I only drink socially/when I am happy, Drugs???I don't think so, I have never even tried marijuana. I have too much dignity, drive and determination in addition to all of the work I have accomplished so far. If they could make it and be happy then so could I! Now I know why I once had aspirations of being an attorney, I just had no idea I had to save my own skin. I knew other people who thrown under the bus and they kept their mouths shut and dealt with it anyway. I do not know why, I stood more to lose than they did. It is a cruel world and only the strong survive. I know people who are reading this are probably thinking, "why didn't you press charges and file a lawsuit?...How come Dara isn't leaving/moving out if she is so stressed out and unhappy here?" Well it is very simple, BECAUSE I NEEDED THIS JOB TO SURVIVE and in another instance I had no place to go till I found a new place to live! I wish I could've quickly ran out of that ransacked house living with those monsters I found on Craig's List but unlike most people I had no friend I could stay with indefinitely and I came from a broken home with no family life. I am not lucky like others where they could just quit on a whim like dropping out of a sorority. I couldn't quit until I got another job first! I had to hang in there, swallow s&*t and smile while thinking positively that I will be saved and get another job where they treat you like human beings and do not engage in illegal activity. I don't mean to sound ignorant but I had no idea that there could be so much corruption and people get away with it. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I know plenty of people who haven't seen the depth of destruction I have encountered. The victims of it all do not even blow the whistle and I have no idea why. I will explain at a later date the specifics of different scenarios all across the board I have been directly and indirectly involved with. All of my co-workers who were equally as miserable and complaining (also my backstabbers) had the luxury of quitting on the drop of a hat. That old philosophy, "You can't quit a job till you find another job" apparently only applied to me! One of my co-teachers had given the management advanced notice that she was leaving at the end of the summer. Well she didn't have another job lined up yet like the others, she even said, "If I don't find a job, I guess I'll be unemployed!" She said that so nonchalantly as if she won't have air conditioning in the heat. Wow! What a luxury to risk being unemployed while having bills to pay such as rent and food.  What a luxury it is to quit a job from hell even when you are faced with no money coming in! In the past I would've been jealous and envious of people like herself who have it on easy street, she obviously has her parents footing her bill, she didn't strike me as the type who had any other income that would help last her being jobless for that long. But now I am not jealous, I do not want to be treated with kid gloves because one day reality will smack you across the face. I also feel like a baby relying on my parent (s) for money to fall back on like a spring board. I've done that and I felt worthless and needy. Grow up already! Face the real world, you are an adult! So no, I am not jealous, I would rather be independent and look back knowing that I did it ALL ON MY OWN!!!
I know these hurdles and obstacles is what has made me stronger and now I could feel happy being in a much better place, finding a much better environment to work in and feeling and being treated like a human being. I always smile and will not let them get to me. Never would I have imagined that I was faced with these inconceivable incidents and equally underneath the management of people who are more like evil and stoic robotic machines. Have you ever entered an environment where you felt a force of negativity and bad vibes? Almost as if it is a vortex or a black hole that is sucking you in and making you feel like you are suffocating? If I haven't already experienced being treated like I was a worthless human being and being faced with instances where my heart was racing so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack then I probably would have this time. I wish it was that simple to just walk away, but when this horrific black hole where you spend 40 HOURS A WEEK with what feels like an eternity just so happens to be your job where you need money to support yourself and survive, you have no choice but to bite the bullet and take a couple of deep breaths. When I was confronted with these gut wrenching instances all over again a total wave of deja vu hit me. I said to myself, "Wow! All of this has happened to me before!" I was even more shocked that it was such similar course of events because this was a much more elite type of environment compared to where I was before. This job couldn't get any worse and be any further from the truth. It was creepy with bone chilling supervisors and seething and creepy coworkers. I wouldn't even walk on the same side of the street as them much less spend 40 hours a week with!!! The job itself was run more like a zoo but to combine it with creepy people who make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up where you feel like they are plotting against you.....All of your co-workers secretly causing trouble for you and combine that with an incompetent, sadistic executive team helping it come to fruition is a powder keg exploding....I felt like I was in an insane asylum. You would think we were in the business of saving people's lives like a ER doctor or in charge of handling large sums of money like at an investment bank! It's even more absurd to think that it was the complete opposite of any of that: a meager paying job with a long work week combined with little to no education necessary. That would probably explain why most of these people were low class and made me feel like I worked in the south Bronx. It reminded me of when I was a child in school and wished I could fit in when it was time for lunch in the cafeteria except in this "cafeteria" all the cliques here I wanted to RUN AWAY FROM!!!! I had to remind myself that I was not there to make friends, I was there to collect a pay check and help give me the experience to help build my career. I took solace in knowing there was no greater punishment than walking in their shoes every day while waking up every morning and having to look in the mirror and see that horrid sight staring back at them! 

I was in such distress & emotional upheaval that I would have dreams that I was there at work. I would wake up at night in my bedroom thinking I was there, it took me a while to realize I was in my room. I have had dreams where all the events were reenacted and felt so real. Let me rephrase it, in general this earth shattering facade of this company IS the elite, the upper crust. Where I came from before where I encountered similar episodes was the total antithesis: the inner city, poor and run down kind of environment. I am very proud of myself that I was able to handle it and be tough, I am grateful for the horrific experiences I have encountered because it has made me even more tougher to face the realities of life. You could never meet a person who is tough who had an easy past. I compare it to when I put on a lot of weight: Most of my life I was naturally thin and did not have to think twice about what I ate and ever dieting to lose weight... but one day when I got older I put on a ton of weight! 64 pounds to be exact! I never appreciated or even felt good about myself that I had a very nice physique until I got fat. Finally though, after much strife and struggle, about four years later of going up and down on the scale I finally went down to my healthy weight again. I look at myself and my physical appearance with a pair of whole new eyes and am grateful that I was able to lose the excess weight. I never though I would, I though I was destined to be fat the rest of my life, no matter how much dieting I did and several pounds I lost, I had always put it back on and then some. Well, I am using this analogy to compare it to my professional experience (s). I now appreciate and feel grateful for my new job and how satisfying it is, and working with a team of people who respect you and support you. Even that is an understatement.
I do not know if most people would feel as appreciated for having a job where you are treated like a human being and comfortable if it wasn't for harrowing experiences like what I went through. The light at the end of the tunnel was knowing that it didn't get any worse than that, any new step I took had to be better. Once you hit rock bottom there is no choice but to go up.

I know most people are somehow able to fake a bad situation and make the most of it. I am one of the select few that where I am my own worst enemy. I am very good at making my life a living hell when faced with an unpleasant experience.  These recent episodes prepared me to learn how to be quiet and not lash out so I do not lose my job. It was tough to endure. It was very tough to grin and bear it and not lose my mind and go ballistic. I had to learn how to master how to be calm and practice deep breathing. It was very tough for me because I have a type A personality and snap in an instant when I feel I am being wronged. But this has taught me that I had no choice but to keep my mouth shut, my life depended on it.

Like I said previously, I have learned more outside of the classroom than I ever did when I was in school for 7 years. Nothing prepares you for life until you get out and experience the real world. I have learned a lot about myself in this process. I know that I was mostly jumping to conclusions when confronted with some instances, I allowed my mind to play tricks on me. That was tougher for me to combat than to remain calm. It was almost as if I was actually being tested on how much tedious, grueling, mind numbing tasks and circumstances I could handle till I lose my cool and get fired. I could compare it to being subjected to choosing whether to be pricked with needles, having my head dunked in a tub of water or walking through a ring of fire. "How much could you hack it Dara, till you explode and we have blatant grounds to fire you????" This is how bad I make my uncomfortable circumstances even worse for myself to deal with. I would trick myself into getting through it by making jokes in my head about the people and everything around me. It's not that I wasn't grateful for being employed, it was to help me cope with the grim reality of feeling like I was stuck and in prison. Certain serious situations you have to shrug off and laugh at, otherwise you will feel even worse. Why do you think a lot of people turn to comedy? Most people who are struggling with themselves cope with it by making jokes about serious topics and themselves to help themselves feel better. I could totally relate to that because expressing my feelings here in this somewhat comedic fashion takes the edge off. The point I am trying to make is about how I had to learn how to remain calm and express to you how I strongly believe that you are put in situations to prepare you and make you stronger for what is to come. The fact that I have been put in a time warp is no coincidence....because I do not believe in coincidences a.k.a. accidents. I am trying to emphasize more on the fact that all of this didn't come together from mere "happenstance" more so than how great the odds are of these recurrences feeling like I was in The Twilight Zone! That is the point I am trying to make!



I should've been the one to create this quote listed above because I exemplify that. It is a fact that mostly what you are confronted with is how you think and deal with it. I am not good at faking it (mildly speaking) and wish I was more like my mother because she could fake anything for the most part and not be so hard on herself like I am with myself. 
Every day I ponder what I am supposed to do with my life, what I am meant to do.  And I do want to do something and make something of myself! I would feel worthless if I was given the chance to do nothing and be supported, hence why I attained these two degrees. 
As Oprah Winfrey said, "You are not meant to just take up space". You could find it on my blog entry, Lady Luck Part II. I struggle with why I thought I wanted to be a teacher and got this extra degree in a specified field that has made me feel nothing but grief and misery. My Bachelor's would've more than sufficed... I should get the numbers "227" tattooed on my right cheek because that is the amount I am currently paying back my school loan monthly for the rest of my life!....(I'll join the other millennials!!!) It was nearly 8 years ago when I got my master's in education and I still remember how I felt when I entered the program. I really wanted to do it, and when I was faced with the challenges back then like I was now, I was even more determined to help make a difference in the world. I still do but not in THIS FIELD. Those same obstacles that propelled me to become a teacher are now the same obstacles that repel me from this profession! Go figure. Whenever someone asks me what I did for a living it sounded like I was describing someone else. And make no mistake, this wasn't accomplished on a whim, this wasn't just one little certificate where you pay a small fee and pass one small test like practicing real estate! Oh no, this took me three years, with small hiccups along the way while not only having to pass an exam to graduate towards the end but to pass three other state exams to be a teacher! I worked blood, sweat and years. It was a very calculated and methodical decision and process to complete. I have no one to blame but myself as to why I went down this road. I like to think everything happens for a reason and I wonder all of the time what the reason is for selling my soul to become a teacher!

 I still love education and children, I  am just miserable with the actual practice of teaching and being in the classroom along with all the other office politics and corruption that education entails. I feel like teaching is an acquired taste like enjoying eating raw fish. This is a LOVE/HATE profession that you HAVE to love! You can't go into it feeling indifferent or just feeling you're sailing by. It is not worth the low salary to compensate for the stress and aggravation that never ends... I have to remain positive though. Life is too short not to. That is the beauty of not being narrow minded: My degree (s) are versatile and could fit elsewhere, even somewhere else within education because I will always value it. The qualities I possess where I felt the connection to teaching is the same connection I feel for writing: I want to help other people who are struggling feel better and know they are not alone through my own experiences. I would love to touch other lives through my writing while expressing my empathy for people who felt like me. Those were the main incentives I had originally for helping children who struggle in school. I just have to take baby steps, just  take one step at a time. I deserve to be happy too just like the next girl, I certainly worked hard enough for it! There tons of paramount examples that experienced what I went through such as Megyn Kelly: She was a corporate defense attorney for 10 years and hated it!!! She also had to endure an additional several years of hard work by going to law school. She finally made a change and is now a political commentator, journalist and she even wrote a book called, "Settle for More."
In the wise words of Martin Luther King, Jr.


#YOLO. And I wholeheartedly believe it. I have to keep my mind focused and realize you only live once and you don't know what tomorrow may bring. I had a friend several years ago that just finished college and she was so upset that she couldn't find a job. She was nearly hysterical while telling me her father was pressuring her to find work......Tragically she died in a freak accident not to long after. I know this is a morose and disturbing example, but my point is is that it is important not to fret and worry because life is too short and you don't know what could happen (good or bad) so there is no need to worry because whatever is meant to happen will be taken care of for you. 

I just have to take a leap of faith and know that everything will work out in my favor.


As crazy as it may sound I will still always believe that you are currently where you are meant to be. I will always believe that no matter what I am facing in good times or bad. It is either to prepare you for what is to come, to help you feel appreciated once you reach your desired destination, for the people you meet along the way serve as a blessing or another lesson itself, etc.....No matter how much I may struggle or thrive I will always believe in that philosophy. 
I used to grapple and make myself sick in thinking that I wished I went down a different road, whether that being not seeking another degree, thinking if only I handled it differently I could've been with that person, I could've had another job years ago that would've been more fulfilling if I never went to graduate school, if only it didn't take me this long to wake up from my proverbial coma and realize I need to break free on my own, etc.....Now I don't. I have emphasized all of this in the inception of this blog. I realized doors shut in my face for a reason and if it didn't work out it was not meant for me. Something bigger is and whatever is meant for me will never pass me by. 
Who knows what would've been waiting for me on the other side of the door (s) I wished open actually did.....Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. Sometimes those wishes that did not come true could mean that it was really a blessing.....After all, they were already closed for a reason....you really had no idea what waited for you behind it...
I like to relate real life topics to some films that hit home with me....Have you ever seen the old movie Mr. Destiny with Jim Belushi? Now after watching it you may think it is a corny kind of film and somewhat dumb in the literal sense but it is the moral of the story that always had resonated with me. What would've happened if Jim Belushi would've hit the home run? That was Jim Belushi's biggest regret in life. He wished he would've won the baseball game when he was a child because then he would've ended up marrying the rich man's very pretty daughter and being in charge of her father's thriving business. However, he never scored the home run and lost the game instead...This played the catalyst in his present life as an adult...He felt like he settled for a meager and mundane lifestyle by marrying a cute girl and working UNDERNEATH that thriving empire that he desired to be in charge of by marrying the pretty and rich girl...It never mattered nor did he appreciate that he had a best friend from childhood that stood by him every step of the way that he even worked with in the business, or that the girl he ended up marrying was amazing and an ideal mate that loved him dearly until his wish came true... One fateful night he "magically" got his wish by meeting a proverbial genie masked as a bartender one late evening when his car broke down....He was drowning himself in his beer glass telling this "bartender" if only he scored the home run he would've had such a splendid life that included being very wealthy by marrying the pretty girl whose father happened to run the multi million dollar business...It was his birthday that night and the "bartender" told him to drink this special beverage just for him and voila! Unbeknownst to Jim Belushi his wish was granted and he became the boss's son. Subsequently, this life that he so desperately craved gave him nothing but grief and misery and he longed to go back to his previous life when he missed the home run..He then realized that his ordinary life was not meager and mundane at all....He longed for his wife and the wonderful friendship with his best friend...
 


   


Sunday, October 8, 2017


                   "...The world is mine"🌏 -David Guetta





My simple life goals: 


My philosophy of life simplified: 


What is meant for you could never pass you by. Take comfort in knowing that what is meant for you will find you someway, somehow and somewhere. You don't have to force anything that is meant for you. Just relax & let things flow!!!

A private life is a happy life!!!!





The only thing a girl should have to chase is a shot!!!