My Best Mistakes

For as long as I can remember I regretted decisions I made in my earlier life. Then as the years passed, it became a laundry list. All different mistakes I knew I made and regretted.  As I grew older to my adulthood up until recently, I beat myself up over it because I thought at this time I would have accomplished much more in life if I chose a different route instead of the one I ended up choosing. Psychologists say it is not a good idea to ruminate but I couldn't help it; I am very analytical, psychological & could even lead a Over Thinkers Anonymous Group!  It got worse over the past year because a lot of issues arose in my life, and I couldn't help but think to myself if I did not ruin my chances with that person, or went down a different road with a career, I would not be faced with all these dilemmas I am in now. In essence, I was verbally abusing myself. I am my own worst enemy. Looking back in retrospect, I realized that every situation I was faced with regarding my boss, friends, places I chose to live & live with, and even  people I dated was my own fault.  I grew so angry & furious and placed the blame on them and the situation I was in that I finally realized that everything is my fault! No one forced me or even asked me to work at my last job, make the decision to move in to that apartment with soulless roommates or tell me to be friends and surround myself with the circle I was in, or even allow myself to be treated poorly by the guys I have dated in my past. After realizing this, I felt better knowing that since it was all my fault and my decision that the anger I originally had felt & how annoyed I was began to diminish. I have no one to blame but myself. There are many people that do not realize this, they place blame on others and get so mad that they are treated unfairly like I used to think, when in reality your current situation is the result of your actions, decisions & choices you have made in in your life. 

After coming to terms with that realization, it made me think of what the reason for mistakes are. Why do we make them? It took me a while to come up with an answer until it finally dawned on me that if we do not make mistakes in life, how else are we supposed to learn?  It is similar to trying to learn a new skill and struggling to master it, until you practiced so much that you finally learned how to perfect it! That is what mistakes serve as. We make mistakes in life in order to make the right choices when we are presented with them. When we are confronted with the same situation that we knew we shouldn't of made, we know not to do it again: 

The is one of my favorite quotes written by Paulo Coelho. It couldn't of been said better if anyone tried. I have finally let go of my regrets and mistakes I have made.  I have finally reached peace and happiness after discovering the true meaning of mistakes.  I know there will be new opportunities and other doors that will open.  I think that if something did not work out, it was just not meant to be. Things that are meant to be in life will somehow find its way to you. I am looking forward to what the future holds and I have now learned how to make peace with my past.  I have turned my regrets into a positive light by learning all of those lesson & not to repeat those mistakes again. It is a very serene, tranquil feeling that I finally reached and I hope other people (could) feel the same way I do. One door closes and another opens.  

This or that?

Isn't it normal to change your mind? In anything you choose in your life? Do you ever think you found the love of your life, get married to him/her and then realize you were wrong and want to get divorced? Have you ever rented an apartment, moved to a new area and realized later that you changed your mind and you aren't happy there and to choose to move? People decide after being in a heterosexual marriage and raising children that they realize they are gay!   Understand where I am going with this???   If you answered yes to either of these questions or you can just simply understand the point I am trying to make, then how come when I apply to jobs in other fields and tell them I want to pursue a new direction with my degree they find that unbelievable? How am I supposed to know what I want to do the rest of my life? When I was a kid, I wanted to be a comedian, then an astronomer, then when I reached high school I was 100% convinced I wanted to become an attorney. I thought that was my dream at the time.  I took a practical law class my senior year, and I even had an internship the last semester of high school in the County Attorney's office. I was interning in the department of abuse & neglect dealing with child custody battles & other issues related to it. I loved the experience so much that it reinforced my desire to pursue it in college. When I began college I majored in political science, and I hated it.  I switched majors right away, but I still thought I wanted to be a lawyer.  At the end of junior year I took the LSAT class, and in the middle of studying for the LSAT's, I began to be so dissuaded to pursue a legal career that I realized being a lawyer was not for me.  I ended up cancelling my scheduled date to take the LSAT and never looked back. I took a semester off after graduating with my B.A.and thought teaching would was the career for me to embark on because I always wanted to do something that I found rewarding and fulfilling.  So, at the time I thought majoring in elementary education would be great because I love children and wanted to give back and help them have a great successful future.  I also have a great deal of empathy for children because I remember what it was like growing up and the issues I faced, socially and academically.  It is hard to fit in and children are very superficial and cruel, and I had a lot of teachers and even a guidance counselor be very dissuasive and not believe in me; as well as teachers in my earlier years not caring about how children treat their classmates.  So it hit close to home.  I also value education, and I love to learn and I think it is a every child's birthright to get the utmost, proper, valuable education in order for them to succeed in every facet of life. After completing my graduate degree in this field and teaching, I began to question if teaching was my calling.
 I admire people I met/meet along the way who always knew since they were young what exact career they wanted to pursue and even ended up going down that path as adults.  But when you think about it, how many people really know what they want to do with the rest of their life?  When you delve into it some more, choosing a career is a very big decision to make.  You spend most of your time at work, devoting yourself physically, mentally and emotionally, working hours upon hours to devote yourself to the job and be promoted.  It is equivalent to finding the perfect partner to marry.  There is a very fine line between a career and a marriage.  
I feel like I am one of the few that could relate to this.  Over the past year applying to various jobs related to my degree and experience, you wouldn't believe the amount of criticism I have received! I have gotten various phone calls out of the wood work regarding my administrative experience from job sites such as Career Builder. One recruiter from San Francisco, he ran the HR department from a major investment bank worldwide (this is all anonymous) called me about an administrative assistant position that was available. He gave me  an overview about the company in case I were to be considered for an interview.  He informed me about what the job entailed, how professional you have you to be, how the people that manage this bank are from Europe so you have to know how to impress people. All of that was proper, standard requirements for this type of role at this particular company.  Until, he saw that I have a m.s. in teaching:  He basically laughed a ridiculous laugh, and said to the effect "you got a master's in education and do not even want to pursue teaching?" I'll never forget it.  Months later he popped up on my LinkedIn.  What a douche.  It  all made sense: His picture displayed how much of an obnoxious jack*** he is.  I'm glad he got his life all figured out & he's perfect!  His LinkedIn picture displays this stupid expression on his face with muscles standing out side of sunny San Francisco dressed in casual attire and a pair of aviators like he's an Adonis.  It's amazing how just by looking at a picture it reflects a glimpse into a person's character!  I'm glad that while living under that rock for so many years he was able to work out to maintain that meathead physique.  Anyway back to reality. I am happy and proud of myself for how far I have come.  I know my education and additional experience I have acquired is transferable to begin another path just like anything in life. 

Skinny or Fat?

Where do we draw the line? 

 Women all over the United States are highly influenced by what they see around them in the media (magazines, movies, t.v. etc..) We are under a lot of pressure to conform to what society deems "desirable." Take a look around you, open up a fashion magazine, watch a few Hollywood movies, and pay attention to celebrities. Do you see what I see? Super models are so gaunt and look like waifs.  They are tall, skinny giraffes that look like a corpse.  Thanks to fashion designers across the world, they have made this the gold standard of how a woman should look. Please explain to me how it is normal and healthy to be a size zero? Most of these supermodels are under so much pressure to keep this zombie-like appearance that they have to maintain this "look" by blowing coke, smoking, and choosing a eating disorder of their fancy. According to statistics, models went from weighing 8% all the way up to 23% less than the average american woman.  It is proven that this is clinically anorexic. What happened to the era of the 1950's when celebrities had healthy figures such as Marilyn Monroe? This epidemic is not only affecting women with weight anxieties & negative body images, but even girls as young as 6 years old! In my personal experience, when I go shopping for new clothes I always see that the XS, S sizes are left and the M, L, XL are not there.  There is a reason why I keep seeing that pattern, do you have any idea why? because most women are NOT THAT SMALL!!  
Which brings me to the next part of my debate: Plus size models.  Plus size models originally started from a size 10-12 & have decreased down to a size 8. Most of these models that are representing this new world of plus size modeling are a size 14 & up.  NEWSFLASH: Size 8 IS NOT PLUS SIZE!  That is a healthy weight that is nowhere near the word "plus."  So let me get this straight, to promote plus size modeling, they are now showing extremely overweight women (size 14 & up) to prove a point that you don't have to look like you died? So there are models that look like they have been resurrected from the grave and models that look like they are so fat that they can barely move.  There is nothing healthy about being that overweight. Being overweight decreases mortality by leading to heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and a million other risk factors that are a result of obesity!  Media is asking us to pick our poison: Do you want to suffer from anorexia/bulimia or an over eating disorder? 
 You're doing a disservice to women by displaying it this way.  There shouldn't even be a category of "plus size" modeling, there should be models that are a healthy weight...PERIOD!  Look at the pictures I posted above, you would have to be blind not to see the extreme difference by the point I am trying to prove! Case closed! 

"Food for thought"

This is one of the most overrated cliche's ever created.  But if this statement wasn't true, then it would not become a cliche.  How many people do you think really take this into account in their lives? In any facet of their life? Whether it be professional, personal etc....? Because, to be honest I never took this into consideration until years later when I was in my early to mid 20's. Of course I've heard of this cliche ever since I could remember, but I never really made sure to have it resonate in my mind in everything I do and everything I have in my life. It is not like I took things for granted because I never did, but I never appreciated and felt so grateful for everything in my life like I do now.  Which brings me to a very particular incident that occurred in my life that made this cliche hit me like a ton of bricks.: 

I have always been thin/slender.  Starting from childhood, I never had much of an appetite.  I never had a problem with food, it was just that I was never that hungry.  I would eat in moderation, never in mass quantities.  Growing up, I was so thin that teachers and nurses in school would ask my mother if I was suffering from an eating disorder.  Of course my mom knew I wasn't.  I have always had a healthy relationship with food.  So, I always took for granted looking back in my life that I was thin and could always eat what I want, mostly due to the fact that I never had such an insatiable appetite.  All of that changed when I turned 25. I was undergoing a lot of stress in my life and I turned to food as a drug.  I barely drink and I have never tried any other drugs and never had a desire to do so.  So, when I hit this stressful time in my life, for the first time my relationship with food began to completely alter.  I started eating mass quantities, I had such a avaricious appetite.  I use the word "avaricious" because looking back in retrospect, it felt like I was very greedy in the sense that I could never stop eating, especially mostly highly fattening foods.  I was always physically active since I was a teenager; I went to the gym, I hired my first personal trainer at 18 years old, and followed that routine when I graduated from high school.  I always took fitness classes. All of this was with little to no effort to stay lean like I always was.  I never gave it a second thought that my weight would ever change till I turned 25.   My dad  claims that I once told him that I would never be fat.  I do not remember saying this, but I would not be surprised if that was true. Anyway, after eating a lot more when I was 25 years old, my weight began to increase.  It felt like the weight gain happened so quickly before my very eyes! I always thought how could people not notice that they are putting on weight if they are starting not to fit into their clothes? Well, now I understand since it happened to me.  Before I knew it, I put on 64 llbs! I was a good 40-45 llbs overweight.  At that point, when I finally realized how big I got, I was stuck. My greedy ways with food became a permanent way of living  my life.  I always tried to lose the weight by going to Weight Watchers and still continuing my gym routine, but nothing worked.  I would always lose the first 5-10 llbs easily, mostly because it was water weight; but then I would become frustrated and put it back on.  This went on for about a good 2.5 years.  I thought I would be the "fat girl" forever.  I became a shell of myself.  Honestly, I do not even remember what I felt like, I just knew I was miserable.  I would go out to parties and other social events, and think to myself: "if only I was thin again, that guy would like me." Or, "that girl isn't even pretty! He just likes her because she's thin! If I was my 'old self,' he would like me instead!"  It felt like this went on for an eternity. I don't know how being 64 llbs overweight I had the confidence to still go out and sign up for dating sites.  But, somehow I did! About 2.5 years later, (I do not remember the EXACT time frame down to the "penny"), I slowly changed my eating habits.  I did not follow a specific/prescribed diet, (you do not have to, just eat healthy and in smaller quantities,) which I did along with establishing my former workout regimen.  

All of a sudden, I lost my first 15 llbs.  This gave me the motivation to keep on going.  Then my mom's birthday approached.  I took her to dinner at Serafina and I made a promise to myself that after indulging that evening I would finally lose the remainder of weight to become the "old me" again.  I signed up for Nutrisystem, and followed it for the next 6 months along with exercise.  I lost another 25 llbs. It felt like a miracle that I was finally able to get past that obstacle in my life.  At that point, I was an average weight.  
After that, I lost the remainder of weight on my own. I no longer fit into my clothes (obviously,) I had so much energy, I felt so rested, I no longer was falling asleep at school & work.  Those were the immediate results I remember.  

Summer of 2015, felt like deja vu! I must say, this was my "coming out" party (metaphorically speaking.)  That felt like the last summer before the sh** went down.  I was able to fit into my old bikini's, and I got so much attention when I went out.  It felt so good! I look in the mirror now and I see staring back at me the girl I was before.  Even my mom comments that I look exactly the same again. Being heavy made me look much older.  People that first met me before I was heavy popped out of the woodwork when they saw the results on my social media.  It is funny, there were some guys that I never even spoken to in the same circle of friends that I used to hang out with in town. One in particular out of the clear blue sky, messaged me on Facebook just to hit on me.  Of course he tried to do this in a nonchalant way, but it was obvious, especially after he said "you look great, not that I'm hitting on you."  He was so compelled to see me after all these years later from never even uttering a word to me four years ago, that we met in the city for dinner! After he saw that I was TOTALLY not interested in him, mostly because he is around 5"4 and I am 5"9 without shoes and personality wise he is just not my type (to put it mildly & to not insult him), he vanished off of the face of the earth never to be heard from again! 


I am proud of myself that I was able to accomplish such a major hurdle in my life.  But nothing in life worth having is easy.  After you lose weight, you have to change your mindset & diet completely.  There is no magic drug that will help you lose weight easily and to keep it off. You have to do the work yourself; it is a constant battle.  However, if losing weight was so easy, you wouldn't feel like you accomplished anything because you did it with no effort. My relationship with food will never be the same.  I am now very hungry and could eat like a horse, I crave food all the time even when I know I am not really hungry.  Mentally, I still feel like that has not changed. Sometimes I have days where I am still not happy with my physical appearance and more work needs to be done, and I compare myself to other women. But I quickly turn those negative thoughts into positive thoughts and know that isn't true; I am only human and I do the best I can by staying very physically active, cooking healthy meals, and eating "junk food" in moderation, I like to refer to it as a cheat day.  I feel a great deal of empathy for other people that are going through the same thing.  All I have to say to you is that take one step at a time, it is better to lose weight slowly over a longer period of time to keep it off, crash diets never work, you always end up putting back on the weight quickly.  Starving yourself or skipping meals does the opposite as well, it actually makes you put on weight because your body goes into starvation mode and stores fat instead.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  If I could do it, you could do it!!!

The introduction of how I became inspired & mesmerized by the world of reading

Allow me to introduce myself to you: My name is Dara, I am a Native New Yorker born on the Upper East Side and raised in Westchester County, New York.  I have a master's degree in childhood education and I am a former teacher.  I currently reside in the Greater New York City Area. 

After gaining a lot of experience as a teacher and working in the administrative industry for many years, I now realize I would like to use my the degree (s) I have received in a different direction. Although my love for education and children could never be taken away from me, I am looking to transition out of being a teacher into a new career. I am very passionate about what I have learned so far as a teacher and being in the administrative field combined. I would love to embark on a new  endeavor whether that be creative, educational, administrative, etc......I am very open to new possibilities and opportunities that are presented to me which is the reason why I have created this blog. My blog is a portfolio if you will of my passion for writing and my experiences personally and profesionally speaking. In addition, my main incentive of creating this blog is to serve as a professional platform and to help me make connections. I want readers to gain insight on who I am as a professional and individual. 

Ever since I was a young girl and learned to read, I couldn't put a book down. I would even read in the dark (not a good idea, I know).  My earliest memories of the books I started to read were The Babysitter's Club Series and R.L. Stine Fear Street.  

The most pivotal moment in my adolescent life where I knew I reached maturity, is when I read Beverly Cleary's memoir: My Own Two Feet.  I was so enamored with Beverly Cleary's books in elementary school that I'll never forget the day that I was at the bookstore with my mom (one of the many trips my mom & I took) and I was so intrigued to learn about the author who wrote such entertaining, thought provoking novels. While browsing for books, I saw right in front of me her two memoirs staring right in front of my face: A Girl From Yamhill and My Own Two Feet.  I remember debating to myself in my head, which memoir should I read? I looked at the back of the book to read the brief summary of each one and said to myself, "I'm more interested in learning about Beverly Cleary in her adult life when she began college and wrote her first book, versus when she was a child." 

 My Own Two Feet was a dark green and grey colored, big hardcover book that was larger than life to a very frail, small girl like myself! That memoir has a special place in my heart because I happened to start reading that book when my parent's took me on a trip to Disney World.  We went there during Thanksgiving Break and the lines to all the rides in the amusement park were infinitely long. However, I did not notice because I started reading the book when we were there and I could not take my eyes off of every page! I read and I read and time just slipped away.  I even have a photographic memory of one of the pictures taken on the trip with me holding the book wearing a blue denim jacket.  When I returned home from the trip and resumed back to school, we had to write a book report on what we read during our break.  Well, once it was my turn to present mine, I was so proud and happy to talk about how amazed I was to learn about the woman behind the pen that contributed to my passion for reading.  

Fast forward years later to high school:

In my high school, we had a summer reading list that we had to complete all four years of school.  We had to read two books from it each summer. I remember how it seemed like such a chore to everyone in my class to complete the assignment.  When we would return the following Fall, a lot of my classmates BS'd the whole thing and did not read it. ME on the other hand, loved it! Of course, my imagination could not run as wild as to which book would tickle my fancy because we were given a list of books that we had to choose from. However, looking back in retrospect, my English teachers did me a huge favor because if it wasn't for some of the books that they put on the list I never would've discovered some of them and enjoyed reading those books so much.  The non-fiction novel that stuck with me from that time is In Cold Blood written by Truman Capote.  The summer I read that novel, it introduced me to Truman Capote. Subsequently, I wrote my Junior Author Paper on Truman Capote's novella: Breakfast at Tiffany's.  The twelve page paper consisted of me reading the book, watching the film based on it and writing about his life. 

My College Years:

Reflecting on my academic career, my studies have all been focused on reading and writing.  When I started college, both my concentrations were in psychology & human services with a minor in pre-law. Additionally, I took Theater I & II as my electives because I loved reading plays and learning about playwrights that made history, and also because my professor was amazing.   I'll never forget that day I started class during my freshman year of college and took Theater in that big auditorium.  The professor was so animated and her enthusiasm and thirst that she felt for theater was so impalpable, that I was drawn into the world of plays.  

We had our first PowerPoint presentation given on learning about any playwright of our choosing, and that led me to "stumble" across Moliere.  I use the word "stumble," because I do not have any recollection of how I discovered him.  However, what I do remember is how I fell in love with his satirical comedies.  

After being inspired by Moliere, I attended his plays live on stage: The Misanthrope and The Imaginary Invalid in New York City.  It never ceases to amaze me that even during Moliere's time living in 17th Century France, history still repeats itself.  I find it inconceivable that people are so gullible, naive and foolish to believe stories spun by frauds, thieves and the like, even back then! Without naming names, I could personally relate to an identical situation that is presented in Misanthrope. I have to "throw" in some of the books I read in my required English classes that I also remember vividly: Jane Eyre. I never thought I would be one to enjoy reading a classic. I always thought when I was younger classics that took place during such an old time period would be so boring, until I had to read Jane Eyre. After reading the book, it felt like that story could've been placed during modern times.  Everything that happened to Jane Eyre and the subsequent events that followed could've happened to anyone during any time period.  I loved the book so much and really felt sympathy for Jane as if she were a real person. 

Along with that, The psychology courses I took also resonates with me.  The classes consisted of reading about different psychologists and their theories, writing research papers about them, creating and presenting presentations and of course completing exams.  Psychology compelled me to hone in and perfect my writing skills in the process, due to my fascination of that subject.  In other words, psychology handed me the torch to start the fire of my yearning to write. 

GRADUATE SCHOOL:

After my one semester hiatus after graduating with my B.A. in Liberal Studies & Pre-law, I enrolled in graduate school for my M.S. in Early Childhood Education.  In the beginning of my graduate career, I took a lot of education classes that consisted of psychology, like what i learned in my undergrad because the inception of education started with learning about child development in order to understand children's behavior and give them the utmost, valuable education.

 Reflecting on my graduate career, I will never forget when I wrote my research paper on the pioneer of child development: Jean Piaget.  He holds the most importance and first building block of the world of education because he knew how important it is that in order for society to prosper it begins with the education of children.  He is most well known for his four development stages. Jean Piaget has made such an impact in the world of education that educators today still implement his strategies.

                                        Wrapping things up:

To reiterate: This blog serves as a platform for me to write anything & everything I feel passionate about, whether it be personal or otherwise.  I want it to reflect my writing style, ideas and creativity for everyone to see & get my proverbial foot in the door.     

This is also a chronicle of my experience as a teacher. I have realized that I would like to go in a different direction with my education degree.  Instead of choosing to become a teacher, I would like to find another profession that has the same components for my love of education: I love helping people, I love children, education is priceless, I find all of this very rewarding and I have a great deal of empathy for all the students that I encounter everyday.  All of these reasons is what compelled me to get a teaching degree. Additionally, I have many years of professional experience working in the administrative industry as a office director and administrative assistant. I am looking for something new that involves some and/or all of my skills and affinity for education, helping people, reading & writing and working in the administrative field.  

My train of thought is now arriving to the station........................