Objects in mirror are FURTHER THAN THEY APPEAR

Don't take everything at face value. That old cliche "don't judge a book by its cover" and "all that glitters isn't always gold" became an overrated comment for a reason. What you see before your very eyes could all be an illusion, just a front and a facade. This may be the case to keep up appearances or your mind is playing tricks on you. Take me for example. Anyone that knows basic information about me regarding where I grew up, the nature of my upbringing, my education and physical appearance I think would get the wrong idea. From all appearances it looks like I had (have) it made: I grew up in a very affluent community, went to a very highly regarded public school, I was spoiled rotten by both my parents, I  also am highly educated. All throughout my childhood my mother took me on shopping sprees all donned in Guess clothing and anything else my heart desired. We were more best friends growing up than mother and daughter. My professional resume isn't too shabby either. I never had to pay for any car I had drove (with the exception with some monthly payments during a short lease), my father paid for all vacations I took in my life, my college degree (at a private institution), I was able to use his credit cards and the list goes on. From the outside looking in, someone knowing that basic information might be so envious of me, they may think what I spoiled brat I was, I have nothing to worry about, everything is paid for, I don't know what it's like to be in dire straights and truck along by myself. In reality it couldn't be any further from the truth. Ever since I came out I was crying, suffered from insomnia, had very low self esteem which was only further exacerbated by a highly dysfunctional family. I was so upset as a child that I remember thinking I wish I was never born. I always take blame for my actions and responsibility but it is a fact that my father is 100% to blame. He was not just abusive to me, he tortured me with cruel and unusual punishment along with spoiling me monetarily. This stems from his childhood. He treated his mother so horribly that I have memories of her crying and saying "she created a monster." He treated my own mother just as horribly. My mom always says that he is a misogynist but it goes much further than that. Not only did he verbally whip me about my weaknesses I had to work on but he trash talked my mother. Unfortunately, my mom remained powerless by giving up her secretarial job and not working at all to be a stay at home mother. Her dream was to marry the man of her dreams and live happily ever after like Cinderella. Unfortunately, my mom's poor taste in men happened to be her downfall (to say the least) and ended up marrying the White version of Johny Corcoran. She didn't want to go home to her parents as a middle aged woman to that tiny apartment she grew up in. My mom is very good at faking it, even to herself (this could be a good or bad trait to possess depending on the circumstances). I wish I could fake it like her, I am my own worst enemy. But on the outside literally looking in you would think we had a great family life. My parents bought a house in a very wealthy development that was just built, my father allowed my mom to stay at home and spend freely on his dime and it was even complete with a dog! Truth could be stranger than fiction....

All the havoc that he wreaked snowballed into an avalanche as I became an adult.  I battled a lot to be where I am in life now and how I feel as a human being. As an adult working for my father he further implemented the same cruel and unusual punishment. He made threats to me regarding the job I had while working for him, egregious comments about my physical appearance and so on. He had a profound impact on me not only as a woman but a human being. One of the most major things he has taught me is to never depend on anyone again, financially. But you know what the funny part is? What the ironic part is? Is that he never wanted to be bothered. Part of his mistreatment was him telling me to leave him alone, to stop working for him and depending on him for anything, especially when it came to any kind of monetary issue. He begrudgingly employed me. You may think why did he keep me at his company for so long if all he did was treat me like a wet rag and rant and rave over how I need to look for a new job? Well the answer to that is is that you don't know my father. I doubt you ever met another human being as sick and sociopathic like him. That is part of his game. He loves to bully people that are not metaphorically the same size as him even if that includes his own daughter. It boosts his twisted and sick ego knowing that people including myself and especially his second wife need him monetarily. He knows deep down that they are using him, especially his floozy of a second wife but he doesn't care. Even his business partners and employees that he hired would run the other way if he didn't provide them with a safe and secure (crooked) job. I was equally miserable being there too and have seemed to block out the reason why I didn't proactively pursue another job once I received my master's. But this lesson served as a wake up call to me and I believe circumstances in life occur for a reason, either as a blessing or a lesson to be learned in life. Fortunately, I learned it while I am still young enough to flourish.  

This is easier said than done. I could especially speak for myself when I say that my mind spins a lot of fantasy and magic dust over people and places I know almost nothing about. I don't think anyone could really survive a day in my head, it is like one big LSD trip. My mind is very good at creating  false perceptions and fantasies of people I barely know, I am just basing it on their appearance and basic information such as their profession and general knowledge from social media and even a brief introduction meeting them. There are a few instances that stand out in my head. One in particular is the time I went to Campbell Terrace located in Grand Central Station and standing right before my very eyes was the most handsome man. He looked so debonair in his suit and tie. He's tall with large brown eyes, a beautiful full head of brown hair standing at 6"1' with a well shaped build. He is quite striking to say the least. When I first saw him across the room with a huge smile on his face I said to myself, "this guy must be so pompous and cocky. He is obviously a wealthy and stuck up snob who only loves women who are bone thin and come from money." Well I discovered a year later that it couldn't be further than the truth.  Subsequently, I ran into him a year later at 230 Fifth Rooftop Lounge and decided I would work up enough confidence to introduce myself to him. I used the old corny opening line, "Didn't we meet before? Were you at Campbell Terrace last summer?" He replied with a comment I will never forget, "Yes, my name is Jason and I am a Sociopath." Although I was caught off guard at his initial response I thought that he sounded nice and not pompous at all like I had imagined him to be.  At first I thought maybe he was joking about that comment and just shrugged it off to having a weird kind of dry sense of humor but as the night transpired I could see that I was wrong. I kept scanning the room to get his attention with the hopes of scoring a date with him. He spoke to only older women, most of whom were senior citizens. He even offered this Geriatric woman a drink (and me) but I kindly declined the offer. I couldn't imagine that he was only giving the time of day to such older women. Finally at the end of the night as everyone poured out of the room I got my chance! There he was standing by himself and I saw him approaching me. By that time I felt comfortable enough to blatantly hit on him which I did by just bluntly saying to him "I am very attracted to you." He said, "likewise." He then proceeded to ask me if I would care to go get a drink with him at another bar. I of course said yes without thinking twice. So there we were: He found some place within the vicinity that looked like it was taken from a scene of The Great Gatsby. It looked like a cabaret accompanied with classical type of music that was popular during the Roaring 20's. We were sitting at the bar with literally no personal space between us. I think at that point he was drunk because when he ordered Scotch and Eggs and went to take a bite he could barely get it on his fork, it dropped. He then proceeded to breathe down my neck and from what it felt like nibble under my ear, but when I tried to kiss him he let me know non verbally that he was not interested. That was to the extent of our impromptu date. After that, he was a real gentlemen by paying for my drink and taking me back to the train station. We exchanged numbers and I went home that night with the hope that I could see him again. To make a long story short he didn't seem that receptive to texting back nor seeing me again. Some time passed since our last text message and I texted him some time later to ask him for coffee on our lunch break because he worked close by to me. After meeting him at Bryant Park a few times over coffee and conversation I realized this guy is beyond utterly bizarre and who knows what goes on behind his closed doors. He made me feel uncomfortable to be honest.  I know you might say well it's because I am very physically attracted to him. But you are wrong. I felt uneasy around him, highly anxious in a very unnatural way. I've been around men I deemed handsome and had a strong physical attraction for and I know the feeling of being gitty with butterflies in your stomach type of nervous, this however was not the type of nervous I am describing. After many subtle attempts of continuing to hit on him it just validated what I thought of him, which was extremely strange and hiding a lot of skeletons in his closet. He would make strange comments about taking medication in his office, playing with a toilet duck in his apartment, having a puppet he would play with on the train and when I asked him if he was a violent sociopath, he just said he was not violent. It was uncanny though at the time because on my way to work I would see him go to work. He never told me what he did for a living of course, he said he worked at Barnum & Bailey Circus and wouldn't disclose anything about his family or personal life for that matter. Thanks to social media it turns out he made it big at Goldman Sachs as a project manager and holds an MBA. Probably the only actual fact he told me is that he is from Long Island, NY.  Every morning on my way to work I would pass him by on the street, my stomach would be in knots as I saw him walking by 5th Avenue holding his cup off coffee and donning his aviators. I couldn't help but be so physically drawn to him, more like an animal attraction. But knowing what he is really like is now a major turn off. Looks could only take you so far, and if you don't have a good personality to back it up then looks fizzle out rather quickly. I used to refer to him (inside my head) as my "Fifth Avenue Eye Candy" as I was walking to work hoping to catch a glimpse of him. He actually reminds me of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. He is just as stunning as him on the exterior and lives the same kind of lavish life style working as a finance guru in NYC as him while hiding a clandestine psychopathic mind. 

I made reservations at 9PM for 2 at Dorsia!

               

                                                  I have to return some videotapes

When you think about it what did I really know about him? Nothing! I knew absolutely nothing about him. I was just going by his physical appearance. Looks could definitely be deceiving. I feel like this is part of human nature to assess people by the way they carry themselves and their physical appearance. Why do you think it's so imperative that defendants who are accused of brutal crimes are encouraged by their lawyers to show up to their trial looking like a school teacher or priest? Or why maintaining the right dress attire for a job helps represent and make a statement for the company you work for?  

I have a friend who I have recently met, let's call him more of an acquaintance. He is a podiatrist by profession and to me he is also an illusion. I met him one summer at PHD at the Dream Hotel and when I first started talking to him he caught me off guard. Firstly, he did not appear to have a high profile career, he looked like a boy scout. He has a very youthful look and had on a baseball cap, a regular polo t-shirt and a long sleeved shirt flung over his shoulder. After speaking to him for a while he informed me he is a podiatrist who has his own practice in Tribeca. He has all of his credentials including his picture next to it all over the internet. I would've thought, "wow this guy has it together. He is pushing 40 and he must know what he wants in a future wife and have such a fun and exciting life." I enjoyed spending time with him platonically.  He took me to Dream Beach after we met and an art reception. Unfortunately, he is nothing like his professional profile online and lifestyle living in the most riveting and popular city in all the world.  I refer to him as the Absent Minded Podiatrist because although I enjoy spending time with this elusive friend of mine, I feel like his mind is highly engulfed in his podiatry practice. It is almost as if I could feel the mental weight of him thinking of all of his patients and the work he has to do to help them while making sure he has making enough money for himself to flourish. I verbally expressed this to him one night when he took me to the art reception. I told him, "I could feel you over thinking and your mind is totally wrapped up in your practice and patients." In addition to the intangible weight I felt he also speaks of almost nothing more than all the research he has to do to help his patients and generate more income for himself. He tells me how insurance companies owe him money and although he only works 3 days a week, the rest of the four days he spends on giving the proper TLC to his patients and making sure they are doing well. He'll also regale me with old stories of his partying days when he was in podiatry school. He enthusiastically told me he would go to to all the popular night clubs back then with all of the hot celebs at the time such as Lindsay Lohan into the wee hours of the night and go straight to clinicals in the morning. He is a very nice guy and we have some things in common and we initially bonded over our love for Woody Allen films but unfortunately trying to secure some kind of a relationship with him is next to impossible. Within the brief time I have spent time with him he tells me he enjoys my company too and he has plans for us to do things together but when I brought to his attention that he takes forever to answer my texts and never follows through with solidifying plans he tells me that it won't happen. When he does respond when I ask to get together with him he'll either tell me he'll look into it and make the arrangements or he'll get back to me, which however sometimes takes a few weeks for him to even respond to that. And after he finishes that off he adds "hope to see you soon."  Honestly, I am tired of always prodding him and sending this elusive friend of mine with text messages that I think I am finally done now with sending them. I feel like it is a job for me to get a hold of him and for him to finally make arrangements with me although he tells me the feeling is mutual. Back to the point of this entry, What did I know about him? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! MY POINT EXACTLY! I have to slap myself across the face with reality to realize that I have to stop letting my imagination take hold over my mind and perception of people and circumstances I know almost nothing about. I was especially surprised when I asked him about his romantic life and if he was currently dating anyone. I knew he was probably not dating anyone because when I had first spent time with him I knew he was too wrapped up in his work, but this time I decided to probe him about it. He told me he does want to get married but I said well if so you better start dating now because most people don't get married in one day, you have to date, potentially move in together and then propose! If you don't start now you'll be married over 40 (he is turning 39 yrs. old). I told him he has a thriving and high profile career and he's is in his late 30's... you are certainly in the right place to seek a partner and plant some roots.  What qualities/deal breakers are you looking for in a woman? I could tell he felt somewhat uncomfortable and all he could respond with was "a woman with sandy/chestnut brown hair, blue eyes and tall." I said but that's just your type physically, what about intrinsically? Personally? Personality wise? What values and things in common must this woman possess? Do you want her to be educated and always work when you have children with her? He still dodged the question with vague responses such as "I would like her to be educated." He acted like I had to explain to him what I meant by my question, that my question was about much more than physical attributes.  It was almost as if I was speaking to a child and not a very bright and older doctor.  

Have you ever had a date with someone you never met before and the first moment you locked eyes with him/her it felt almost as if you two had met in another life? Like you felt some energetic intangible connection towards this person like the hold neutrons have over protons to keep the force of each other held together? I don't know if I adhere to the belief of love at first sight but you felt a cosmic bond with this person? Almost like two magnets? Well that has happened to me. To this day the date I had with this man feels so surreal that it feels more like a dream than reality. We will refer to him as Prince Charming. I met him on Tinder and as soon as I scrolled through his pictures I was taken to aother dimension. He depicted himself as a family oriented and career driven professional. One picture showed him at church with his family, the next he took a selfie in his "financial uniform" a.k.a. shirt & tie and the third showed him playing the keyboard in his band. His bio was brief and straight to the point: He stands at 6"3' and has lived in many places throughout the world and he's finishing up his MBA in Chicago. He made sure to add that he is in NYC for the summer working as an associate intern at an investment bank. I couldn't swipe right fast enough...Not only did I put on my rose colored glasses right away but Prince Charming helped jolt me to the memories of a guy I had met nearly a decade ago. I had just mentioned him in my previous entry under "Everyone's Journey is Different." It was quite uncanny, he is tall like him, how many guys stand at 6"'3'? They are both investment bankers are the same age and are both originally from Florida. They even have the same initials in reverse! After the fact I realized I met the both of them the same month and day along with similar course of events that transpired during the brief time I had spent with Prince Charming. It was almost karmic that we met, almost as if the universe was trying to deliver a message to me but I have no idea what kind. After I swiped right it was almost as if he read my mind: About a couple of minutes later it said we were a match and he texted me immediately! You could imagine how  I felt. My heart was beating so fast, I felt all gitty with butterflies in my stomach. Unlike most of the jerks on Tinder, this man was very respectful and interested in carrying on an actual conversation. I couldn't help but point out to him initially how impressed I was at his height, because I stand at 5"9 without shoes. I remember I told him he was my early Christmas present because I could wear my heels with him and he would still be staggering over me. He wasted no time making arrangements to take me out. This was also impressive by the way because most guys waste my time and just flake out. I suggested one of my favorite rooftop bars in the city and the time and just like that the plans were set.  Our plans were set for two days from then and the next morning he even texted me "good morning beautiful." However, he took forever to answer text messages but he had his read receipt on his IPhone so I saw he read them hours after I had sent them. He would always apologize for the late response because he said he very busy slaving at the investment bank to try to be offered the position after he graduates with his MBA. I already knew I would fall hard for him without even meeting him yet. I always had that uncanny, gut feeling about a guy I met virtually. I just had no idea to what depths it would go to. The ambiance and setting of the date definitely helped add to the dream like state of the evening I met him. I arrived about 10-15 minutes early and I let him know I was there already. He texted me back apologizing for not being there yet and he was almost on his way. Like most corporate professionals, he was arriving via Uber and even texted me his ETA! I have never met someone so courteous and well mannered. I was waiting there with pins & needles, and now even as I'm writing this I still feel what I felt back then. I stood there by the elevator waiting for him to come out. I recognized him right away. It was very crowded swarming with people so he did not see me at first. I saw him scanning the room looking for me. When I first laid eyes on him it felt like my heart was dropping in my chest. He was as striking and classy as he portrayed in his pictures: He was all decked out in a very well coordinated Brooks Brothers ensemble. A beautiful navy blue blazer, light blue button down shirt underneath and dark pants. He took my breath away. He looked so fresh and vibrant with a very boyish look about him. It did not look like he was sleep deprived from his arduous financial career. I went right up to him and with a big smile on my face said, "Hi!" We immediately embraced in a warm hug. He cut right to the chase and said, "Would you like a drink?" He sauntered up to the bar and took his credit card out to open a tab. The rooftop I chose was just as classy as him, and I think we both complemented the backdrop of our date. He liked the venue I chose just as much as I did and that felt like a major compliment to me that he agreed with my taste. We found a place to sit with not much personal space because there was not really any seating. I felt so much chemistry as I turned to look at him and start conversing with him that I wanted to kiss him. But I didn't want the date to be a hook up, I wanted to get to know him. As we started talking the conversation just flowed so naturally, I felt like we had a lot to talk about and the dialog between us was easily reciprocated. I gained to realize that he is very big into his family especially his mother which was a huge turn on to me. As I started to scratch beneath the surface he seemed innocent with a naivete about him, sort of like he wasn't so sure about himself...He seemed indecisive when I would ask him his opinion about topics that had no right or wrong answer. I was even more astonished when I subsequently discovered how well cultured he was and how much experience he has gained professionally and generally speaking. I would also expect most people my age would have their own ideals and beliefs since they have had their fair share of life experiences by now and be able to decipher what exactly they are looking for. This didn't align with his exterior which exuded a very mature looking adult who was career driven and appeared to know what he wanted out of life. He had such a presence about him that he would stand out in a social scene...probably a combination of his big & tall handsome appearance marked with his effervescent personality. It's hard to put into words really. I got a sense that he wasn't sure what exactly he was looking for in a potential mate either.  He didn't wear his exuberant lifestyle on his sleeve to any degree and this man has certainly been exposed to more than the average bear which is probably why I am making this observation. But I'm not God! This is just the impression that I got! He certainly razzled & dazzled me from the get go! He told me the first time he visited Coney Island he was helping plant flowers for charity! Every time I turned to look at him as he was speaking it was as if I was staring at a million dollars. I have never felt this indescribable feeling for another person before. Chemistry is unquantifiable, it is either there or not, you can't force it and boy, the chemistry I felt between the two of us could've erupted a volcano. He treated me like a princess and money meant nothing to him. He kept asking me if I'd like another drink as if it were open bar and he made me feel like I was the only girl in the room. He kept complimenting me so much, I felt so flattered. He would caress my behind in such a classy fashion unlike the groping and grabbing I was used to as if he were a drunk frat boy. I am usually very good at detecting BS but his compliments to me felt genuine. He made me feel beautiful. He was very warm, charismatic and dressed to kill. I have never met a man like that before or even now. After sitting down for a while, he asked me if I would like to take a walk to the end of the rooftop. I knew he was planning on kissing me. It was a large venue and as we made our way past the crowd to the back he stood in front of me and leaned down to kiss me. His tongue was so sweet that it tasted like candy. It felt like electricity was coursing through my body. He then said, "you're so passionate." His neck smelled so good and I asked him what cologne he was wearing. He said it was Jean Paul Gautier.  After that the rest was history. The night felt like it went by so quickly. We both shared our love for New York City and as I spoke to him it was almost as if I was living vicariously through his eyes since he is not a New York native. He helped me appreciate what NYC has to offer. I was so smitten with him that if he asked me to marry him that night I would've said yes. He took me back to the place he was staying at. It was located in the Meatpacking District and the duplex looked like it was from 50 Shades of Grey. He informed me it was worth 12 million dollars and renovated by his cousin who he was renting it from. He gave me the "tour". You could imagine how I felt as he showed me his lavish digs he had for the summer. It was very spacious and modern, with subtle tones and furnished with an art deco appearance and state of art shower. It was not overly done or gaudy. There were artistic fixtures and a very large brown dining table with some picture frames that made a statement. It looked like his cousin went for the less is more look and he was right. Have you ever seen a closet that was the size of a hallway? Well I haven't until I met him...  I can't read minds especially a male's brain but it appeared like the attraction was mutual. Throughout the date we had mentioned that he would take me to dinner and I told him how I always longed to visit Chicago. Of course he said I could visit him.  He even added, "there are lot of tall guys in Chicago." I answered without hesitation or second thought, "I am only interested in you." I meant it with all my heart. Unfortunately, as fate would have it I never did see him again. After that date we had exchanged a few texts with the pretense of  a second date but it turns out we ended up wanting different things. He truly swept me off my feet and that is saying a lot because I am very particular and not impressed by many men I have met even if it was a brief encounter like this one was.  I should've known better considering he was only here for the summer then heading back to Chicago. But I have learned a few lessons to not repeat. One of them is to stay calm & not react out of anger/being upset by blowing up the guy's phone!!! Another lesson includes letting the guy know how I feel next time I make this spiritual kind of connection...I will tell him how I feel and won't be afraid I would scare him off because life is too short and I am not getting any younger!! I am in my 30's, there are no time for games and charades any longer...

Before I left that morning he said to me, "when will I see you again?" He said it in such a matter of fact and confident tone that it was such a turn on. In my head I wanted to say, "tonight" but I did not want to appear desperate at the time... I also wished I told him how I felt, I know he could have figured it out by my actions but it still would've been nice to verbally express how I felt. Next time I will definitely speak my mind and know I am not appearing desperate, and if he thinks I am then he is not the right one to begin with... 

He sent me the most thought out detailed text messages that it felt like I was reading a Cyrano De Bergerac novel. It was almost as if I was reading a book or he was texting a term paper for school. I have never received anything like it! There were no grammatical errors, perfect punctuation and no typos. He wrote it so methodically and in such detail that it was a pleasure to read. It felt so romantic and made me want to spend more time with him. Unfortunately, he never did use the phone he always resorted to texting which I did not appreciate, but at the the end of the day what difference did it make? He decided he just wanted a summer fling and I was looking for something serious. WHAT DID I KNOW ABOUT HIM??? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! I spent literally 12 hours with this man and dreamt up a whole fantasy of what he is like and a perfect world built for just the two of us! It did not help after I was so easily able to find his social media. Facebook did me the wonderful disservice of having his profile show up as one of the suggestions of people I may know. He listed his first & last name so I was able to look him up online. After that my mind ventured off to the point of no return. It turned out he grew up in a very wealthy and opulent upbringing in Palm Beach, Florida. He has a huge tight knit family that reminded me of the Cullen's from Twilight. They are all very well groomed and perfect looking, his dad is a physician and he grew up in a mansion with a swimming pool that looks more like a country club. He was so humble and modest that he never even implied that he came from the upper crust and went to a very fancy prep school. He has jet setted all around the world and both his parents are from different countries. He is bilingual and can even speak conversational Italian because his mom is originally from Rome. When I saw his pictures via Facebook and Instagram I saw he was living lavishly as a banker in the U.K. He was all donned in his wool pea coat, pictures of him with beautiful women at black tie affairs...There were also countless pictures of him partying at posh London night clubs wearing his fancy work suit with champagne flowing along with laughs and smiles with women that looked like models. It certainly looked like he enjoyed his 7 year stint working as a an American banker in London.  All of his pictures in England and various other parts of the world looked so magical almost as if David Copperfield was playing magic tricks on me. I have never seen anyone's social media look so picturesque and more of a dream. This man has obviously been living the good life and from appearances it looks like he wants to make something of himself, is very career driven and I have a very strong attraction to finance guys. He has so many pictures taken throughout the years of him on vacations in every country imaginable from skiing on the Swiss Alps to catching rays in St. Martin while dressed to the nines...I have never seen a straight man with a better fashion sense than him. Did I mention that he is musically inclined? He plays the piano, keyboard and sings. He was even in a band! He is quite striking and very tall and when I saw him standing outside in his wool coat on a cool evening in England, it reminded me of an action film you would see set in London. He looked like one of those Hollywood actors who is a banker but secretly a spy. BUT WHAT DID I REALLY KNOW ABOUT HIM? ABSOLUTELY ALMOST NOTHING!!!  I knew as much about him as anyone would by scrolling through his social media. I have never seen traces of someone's lifestyle online looking more like a celebrity's life. I felt like he could've appeared on the that old VH1 show "The Fabulous Life Of..." Yet, thanks to my skewed and distorted mind, I created a whole fantasy world of what a great catch he must be along with the pizazz displayed on the internet. He may appeared to have all those qualities that I fell so hard for, but I only spent 12 hours with him! In my head he was the perfect partner, my ideal soul mate, my Prince Charming, my future husband! That is my point! I have to stop creating false views and thoughts of people I know nothing about and are observing on a visual level! Who was this Mystery Man of the Hour? I suppose I may never know...I'll never know if he lived up to the facade I had of him or if he was really a train wreck!!! On another note, like I have written before, I am a strong believer in fate. If things are meant to be then it will work out, if not then that person was not meant for you. Everyone has free will and I am happy about that, I would never want to control or manipulate someone to have mutual feelings for me if they really don't. 

Even worse is knowing that the reason why the man married me is because he settled and he had no more appealing options....That would be an even larger dagger in my heart...I also have too much self worth and wouldn't twist anyone's arm and beg and plead, if someone is so free to exit my life no matter how brief it was then so be it!

 Based on that we weren't meant to be.... In life you never have to force anything that is meant for you, it could never pass you by if it is...And in this scenario I knew it wasn't in the cards because shortly after the night I met him my whole world was turned upside down: I ended up quitting my toxic job, I had a huge fight with my roommates and had to move out and to top it all off I had a huge fight with my mother. I didn't talk to her for about 2 months, and anyone that knows me would find that hard to believe. I never go even half a day without talking to her... my whole life....Needless to say, it was not meant to be at that time to meet my soul mate.  I wonder if anyone else could relate?